Clear the Dust � Dec. 29, 2001
I Feel

I am waiting for Carrie to get here. We are just sitting here chilling. I would name names but well, I can't. That should give you some clue. Anyways, I was talking to Andy about him getting into college. He is depressed because he didn't get into his number one school. Andy is the smartest guy that I know and he didn't get into one school and he is upset. *shrugs* I don't know. I guess that if I don't get into my main school I will be depressed too but not this depressed. I am just a lil bored and we are trying to organize a party right now. Thayne said that he would get us alcohol so it's all good cause Carrie has some smoke. My stomach hurts still and I just wish that it would go away. I know that it isn't going to happen though. Not anytime soon though. So, Stephen is still pissed off at me and I can't find Tim. I got his voice mail and left a message and I left a message on his IM but oh well. I am not even sure why I care but I do. I shouldn't be thinking about him as much as I do but I stopped caring about that a long time ago. Ashleigh wants me to go down to Thayne's with her but I don't know if I am going to go or not. I have company and I don't want to leave them. *shrugs* I will see what is going on when Carrie gets here. I would love to go and do something with Tim tonight but I don't know where he is!! *sighs uncontentedly* Why do I do this to myself? I make myself depressed about guys constantly and I just need to find someone that makes me happy. I don't forsee that happening anytime soon.

I find myself dwelling on the past constantly. I can feel Chris's words still heavy on my heart. I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. I told him that I would be friends with him, but I don't ever talk to him. I know that if I would start talking to him again that I would just end up repeating the past. He would just tell me the same lies and I would fall back into his web. He can make me do anything that he wants and he knows it. When I was with him, my moods would fluxuate so much that I didn't even know who I was. I didn't know how bad it was until I got out of it. When I finally did, I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. I wish I could say that I thought I loved him but I know I love him. I just wish that it wouldn't keep interferring with my future. I just want him to disappear off of the face of the Earth. I want my time with him to not even be a memory. But alas, I cannot get rid of him that easily. You cannot just erase people from your heart like chalk on a chalk board. If only life were that easy. My only task next is to take the erasers outside and clean them. When the dust clears, then my heart will be free. It's too bad that I am allergic to chalk dust. Life isn't that easy. I have to realize that the only person who is going to make Chris fade from my memory is me. I don't even know if I want him gone or not. Right now I just want to erase all of my past and start over. Andy and I were talking about going to college. We got into an arguement about who wants to go more. I think that I do. I really want to just put my past behind me and move on. I want to erase the chalk board and clean the erasers. I want the dust to clear.