Won't Let Him � June 11, 2002
I Feel

I am not exactly sure what has been compelling me not to write these past few months but frankly, I feel like I have let myself down. There has been so much that has happened to me, and I have kept it all to myself. I graduated on May 30, 2002. While this is supposed to be a joyous occasion, yes, it wasn't. Not for my friends and I at least. During our Commencement exercises, two of our friends, were in a car with two other people and their car got hit by a train. Frankie, 16, was killed on impact apparently. Drew, 18, who was supposed to graduate a week later and would be going to IUP with me in the fall, died 20 minutes after the paramedics got there. I could not force myself to go to the funerals, which were on the same day. I know that I should have been there, and I wanted to be there, but I could not force myself to go. If I had gone, for the rest of my life, when I pictured them, I would have seen them in coffins and that is not how I want to see them. I want to see them how we all new them. Full of life, and happy.

The next day, I went to an ammusement park for our school picnic. All as fine until a storm came in. That storm turned out to be two tornadoes that hit the park and a few more on the surrounding area. That was a terrible day and I do not want to relive it anymore than I have to because I am absolutely terrified of storms, let alone tornadoes.

After all of this had happened, I started talking to Chris even more. I am not sure why .. I just did. I went over his house for 7 hours one day and I am not sure if I should call it a mistake or not. I mean, it was so wonderful to have him kiss me like he used to and for him to treat me like his girlfriend, even though I wasn't, but it felt... different in a way. I am not sure how to take it. I haven't called him since because he is always busy and I just don't know if I want to throw myself into that or not. I will wait for him to call me. If he thinks about it well then good for him! I think that I will send him an email and see how long it takes for him to check it... that might be an interesting thing to amuse me for a bit.

So, I met a guy named Matt at a party about a month or so ago and I didn't give him my number, probably because I was too drunk. So, apparently he has been trying to get my number from other people since then and no one would give it to him. He finally got a hold of me and we have been talking the last two days. He seems nice.. I hope he is nice. Anyway, what brought this on is that I am going out to a movie with him tonight after he gets home from work in a few hours. Am I trying to move on with my life? Yes. I am not going to be the same person that I used to be, and mope for days over Chris. He doesn't have that power over me anymore. I just won't let him.