Always � 09.24.02
I Feel

"Love makes hard situations work. It heals all broken worlds, and it encompasses the passion that is in my eyes when I look at you.. it is the fire that drives all human beings to do strange things, when even they cannot explain why."

I wrote that a long time ago. I realize now that sometimes I am a very deep person. Where did this come from? I have spent the last few hours reading old entries of mine. Some of them really scared me and some of them made me cry. Some of them made me laugh and some of them made me realize how I became the person that I really am now. That entry struck something inside of me. I am not sure what it was but whatever it is, I seem peaceful right now. I am not really sure why. You would think that it would depress me, given my current situation, but it's not. I am not really sure what I am thinking right now. I am sitting here thinking why I am not depressed and it is kind of depressing me somewhat. Who knows. Maybe I am just nuts. Maybe I truly am. I don't know. But whatever it is that is inside of me that makes me so wise is also what is keeping me from taking my own advice. I really should start taking my own advice. I would be a happier person. I don't even know if this is making any sense what so ever but well it happens sometime.

----later----

I just got off the phone with Adam. I called him about an hour ago and left a message on his voicemail. He called me back. He seemed depressed. He said that he started his new job today. He said it was boring. I think that something else was bothering him, but I didn't dare ask. I told him to get some sleep and to call me in the morning. Or in the afternoon or whatever. I am kind of worried that something else is bothering him. I realize that we had quite a few fights on Friday night but we also started having a discussion about what went wrong in our relationship. That conversation got cut short because that was when we were leaving Kennywood and walking to our respective cars. I told him that we could continue that conversation later but I am not sure when that later would come. I would like to have that conversation with him in person when there aren't so many people around. But then, I am also afraid of what he might think that I meant by that. I don't want him to think that. I don't want to mean anything by it at all and I don't want to put him into any compromising positions or make him feel uncomfortable in any way what so ever. The last thing that was said in that conversation was "Did you ever stop to think how I felt?". That came from him. Then Holly dragged me off to her car and he was on the otherside of the lot. Well I have thought about this. I realize now that if he truly did love me then it must have been hard for him to break up with me. I would still like to know what I did wrong but I try not to dwell on that. These past few days all I have thought about is how he felt. And how he still feels for that matter. I realize now that I shouldn't have said some of the things that I said to him in these past few weeks. I also realize that perhaps I overreacted that Thursday when he said that he couldn't pick me up. I wasn't so mad that he couldn't pick me up though. I was upset because I thought that he didn't care how I felt. I didn't stop at the time to think how he felt. I realize now that I must have hurt him really bad and I feel absolutely terrible for this.

I don't want him to hurt like that.

I don't want to be the one who hurts him like that. I just want to be there to love him. I want to be there to support him. I want to share his life with him. I realize now that no matter how hard I try, I won't stop loving him. I won't stop wanting to be with him. I won't stop being depressed when I think of him. I have come to terms with this, but I have also realized that he might feel this way too, but right now, he can't concern himself with a girlfriend. I hope that someday he is ready to have someone to love and have someone to love him and I wish that I could be that person. So this is my statement on all of this. If that opportunity ever comes I will be there for him, no matter what. I promise him this and I promise myself this. So that is where I stand now. But, I want to also state that I am not going to sit around and waste my life away. I am going to move on with my life, but I will always keep him in my memory. I will always keep him in my heart. And I will always love him.

Always.