Depressed Once More � Mar. 01, 2002
I Feel

Do you use condoms when you have sex?

Of course I do. Every single time. In fact, I refuse not to. That is just too dangerous at my age. Especially since I have already been pregnant once. In twelve days, I should have had my child. A few hours ago, I thought that it was two, but I realized I was wrong because that is just Chris's and my first anniversary. We didn't sleep with one another until later. But still, less than two weeks and I would have had my child in my arms. Does this depress me? Yes. Very much so. Because of my depression, I drank tonight.. a lot. I know that isn't really the way to solve my problems, but that is how I tried solving them and I failed. Miserably. You think that I would learn after a while, but no. I don't think I ever learn from my mistakes. I find that it takes too much effort and also it harbors unhealthy emotions. So, instead, I just continually repeat my mistakes, get hurt, and mess up my life more and more everyday. Sounds pretty simple, eh?

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I sort of got off track there, but that is okay. I have a ton of makeup work to do this weekend and I was going to do some of it tonight but well, I got trashed and that didn't happen. Now I am trying to catch up on my reviews. I brought my pot home from ceramics so I could work on it this weekend. It looks good. I am really proud of it.

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A few minutes ago, I did the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. I said goodbye to my first love, Andy. I knew that it could never work out. It never does when the person lives close to 1,000 miles away. And when they don't trust you. Andy was the first person I ever loved. I will never forget him, but I could no longer bear with the crap that I was dealing with. The past three days, he has made me cry. I have cried my self to sleep for two nights in a row and tonight will make number three. I shouldn't have to do that. He and I have been fighting. I honestly don't even know where all of this came from. All I know is that I just told him goodbye and I don't know if I can deal with that. I know that I could never have Andy love me the way I loved him.. he used to, or so he says but now things have changed. It was just.. too hard. I don't even know where to begin about thinking about my life without him in it. I am just very very depressed right now. I really shouldn't be talking to anyone.