Friday Nights � 04.25.03
I Feel

I've had stuff to write about in the last few days but no time what so ever. This was my last week of classes and I had a lot of last minute work to get done. Now I go into finals week, which really won't be that bad because I only have two finals and they are both on Wednesday. And then I am going home for the summer. It will be so nice to get out of this God foresaken town. I really don't like it here. I think it's because I don't have a roommate and I am always alone when I am in my room, save the occasional guy I bring over. Anyway, that isn't what I wanted to write about.

I finally spoke to Tony on Wednesday after he got back from Cancun with Samantha. That was not a good conversation. I started bawling my eyes out within seconds. I really don't know what to take of it. He still tells me that he loves me and yet he is with her? Is it a convience thing? I am starting to believe that if I had moved to New York when I wanted to, that he wouldn't be with her right now. If I had moved to New York I wouldn't have ever been with Brian. Maybe I would have actually been happy if I moved to New York. Maybe. But this isn't the point. Anyway, apparently at one point Tony had considered me his girlfriend. This is news to me!! Yeah. He called me his ex-girlfriend. He said he didn't like to hear his ex-girlfriend cry. When was I his girlfriend? I would love to know exactly when this was. Because if that were the case then why didn't he come to see me? Why didn't he call me more often? Why the hell didn't he tell me? I would have went up there if that were the case. So now I fear that he took me being with Brian as breaking up with him and that is why he is dating Samantha. I don't know. Somehow I think I caused this. I honestly do. After our first conversation on Wednesday night I was on my way out the door, broken ankle and all, to find a cliff and fling myself off of it. As I was walking out the door, he called me back. Yes, it was nice that he called me back but I was on my way to do an impulsive thing and I was annoyed. After that conversation I spent the entire night vomiting, something I never do, and I don't even know why. I didn't make it to English on Thursday morning and I spent the entire day either vomiting or sleeping. I just couldn't seem to keep anything down. Thursday he sent me an instant message telling me that he never meant to hurt me and that he does love me. He sure has a funny way of showing it. Thursday night I ended up falling asleep around 7am because I just could not sleep. Needless to day, I did not make it to French this morning either. I left both Art History and Psychology after being there for five minutes. It doesn't really matter anyway. Today was my last day of classes. Then I came back and slept some more. Then I went to the Quad Bash because I had to. Sometimes I hate being on the hall exec. board. After that I had to go to the Greenhouse to help with preparations for Founders' Day, which is tomorrow. I just want to be antisocial right now and my stupid sorority is keeping me from doing that. I drank some Vodka when I was there and my sisters wanted me to go to Sigma Chi with them but I simply stated "Last time I was there, I broke my ankle. I don't even want to chance that again." So here I am, sitting at home on a Friday night. Friday nights are never fun when you have a broken ankle. But, that wasn't the real reason I didn't want to go out with them. I just want to be antisocial right now. I am too depressed to do anything, let alone go to a frat party where everyone is happy. So I did talk to him briefly today but it wasn't a very happy conversation either, and once again, I am sitting here talking to him. Why can't my life just be simple and happy like other people? Do I truly bring it upon myself?

I do believe that I forgot to mention that on Friday Alex is flying here and then I am flying back to South Dakota with him on Sunday, staying until the 10th of May. Okay so who's Alex? Alex is the guy I've been talking about and haven't really explained. It was decided, while Tony was in Cancun with Samantha, that I would be going to South Dakota. It wasn't really an impulse decision. I had planned on going out there eventually, but I just decided to allow that to replace my trip to New York. I haven't really written about how I feel about Alex for fear of hurting some people's feelings but I've stopped caring now. I really really like Alex. A lot. He makes me blush everytime I talk to him and he makes me feel that life is actually worth living for once. He cares about me and wants me to be happy. He's willing to do anything to make me happy, although what he doesn't realize is that he is already succeeding without doing a thing. I don't know. He gives me butterflies. Something I haven't felt in a long while. He doesn't like Tony because in his words "he doesn't realize how lucky he is to have your heart, and he's doing nothing but hurting you." I guess in a sense that is true but there isn't much I can do to control that. I don't know. I am really excited about seeing Alex. I've been counting down for many many days now. I am very afraid to fly, as I've never flown before, thus the reasoning for Alex to fly here first and then fly back with me so I don't have to fly alone. Awe. Isn't that sweet of him? I seriously can't wait. I mean I'm terrified of the plane flight but oh well I will just sedate myself with pain killers. It's not like I haven't been doing that for the past few days so that won't be anything different. So that is my rambles for the day. I honestly can't think of much else because the vodka and wine I was drinking is starting to mix with the pain killers and I am once again becoming sedated. I might just have to go to sleep.