All I Ever Really Wanted � 04.19.03
I Feel

Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that
I can do
To make you
Change your mind.
Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that
I can do.
Is it a
Waste of time?
Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that
I can do
To make you
Change your mind.

Hoobastank - Running Away

Adam called me a few hours ago. I wasn't home but I saw his number on my caller ID. I wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. I mean, I haven't really talked to him for a very long time. So, I called him back and asked him what he needed. He just wanted to say hello. Then he was curious as to when I was going back to school and I told him Sunday. He was surprised but I explained to him that I didn't get any extra time off for Easter, but that I would be home on April 30th for four months. I casually left out the fact that I was going to be traveling quite a bit this summer. He said that he wants to get together and do something. I told him that I would love to and then I hung up the phone with him. Why, after almost 8 months since we have broken up, does he want to start doing things with me again? These thoughts have been bothering me for the past several hours. I would like to think that it's all because he misses being friends with me, but there is also part of me that secretly wishes he wants to be with me again. I know that is impossible. He will never want to be with me again. Perhaps I have finally been able to make myself the person that he fell in love with again. Who knows. I am afraid to bring all of this up because I am afraid of his reaction. I am afraid of a lot of things. My life was just starting to get back to normal again. Everything was starting to make sense for once and now.. now I don't know what makes sense anymore. I just want my life to be simple for once. It never is and there isn't a damn thing I can do to control that. That is why I hate my life sometimes. I really do. I just want everything to be the way it was before all of this damn depression. I started reading lots of old diary entries again and they brought back some very painful memories. They are only painful now because they were about the happiness that I once had. The happiness that I will never have again. I used to love my life. I used to love being with a certain person. Now I am afraid to be with that person. Reading those entries made me want to cry. Some of them actually did. LIke the ones that pinpointed exactly when things started to fall apart between Adam and me. God.. I just wish I could talk to someone about this and for them to actually be able to understand where I am coming from. No one understands what I had with Adam. None of this would have came back into my mind if he hadn't have called me today. None of this pain would have came rushing back to me. Adam made 18 years of problems disappear. When he left, 18 years of problems and then some came rushing back. I want him to make them disappear again. That's all I ever really wanted.