Can I Find It? � 04.15.03
I Feel

Can I Find It

Can I find it in my heart,
To leave you far behind,
To silence my screaming soul,
And to follow my patient mind?
Can I ever find the strength,
To finally say goodbye?
There have been too many times,
You've brought tears to my eyes.
Can I ever truly forget,
My hopes and dreams with you?
My being is in confliction,
And I don't know what to do.
Can I reach within my soul,
And find the courage to disappear?
Your words toy with my emotions,
Will they ever be sincere?
Can I find it within myself,
To survive this on my own?
You managed to capture my heart,
And yet your feelings are still unknown.
Can I find it within my heart,
To live without you in my life?
My spirit has been quickly shattered,
The razored pieces, a duplicated knife.
Can I repair my very essence,
Without having to say goodbye?
Will I find it in my heart?
I've lost the desire to simply try.

Can anyone guess who this poem is about? Ahh yes, the infamous Tony. I guess you are probably wondering where all of this came from since everything seemed so peachy to the outside world. I shall explain. Tony called me last night randomly to ask if I had forgotten about him. I presume he asked that because I wasn't at school all weekend due to my broken ankle that he was not aware of and he called twice while I was gone, at times I should have been around. So I proceeded to tell him what happened and he was worried. I then asked him if he was still coming down for Easter, as I had already cleared it with my mother and managed to convince half of my family to lie about his age so the other half of my family would not freak out. He told me that I was not going to be happy with him. I already knew in the back of my mind that he wasn't coming so I was expecting him to tell me that. What I didn't expect was for him to tell me that he is going to Cancun for Easter with Samantha and he is leaving Wednesday. I flipped out on him for the first time in our friendship or whatever the hell you want to call it. I told him that he shouldn't have told me he wanted to come down then and afterward decide to go somewhere with Samantha, someone who he told me was less appealing to him now that I am single once more. And Cancun of all places!!! So after I hung up the phone with him I started bawling my eyes out to Alex for two hours. Tony was supposed to call an hour after he hung up the phone with me. Big surprise that he didn't. *note the oozing sarcasm* He came online two hours after he was supposed to call and I told him that he was in deep shit. He told me that he knew and that was the last I talked to him. I gave up. I lost hope. I went to bed. I had an 8am and I stayed up until 3:30am to talk to him. I had a broken ankle, I was annoyed, and my pain killers were wearing off. Today I wrote this poem and I am not exactly sure if it makes sense. What I meant by it was that I am not sure if I can find it in me to forgive him for hurting me this time. Should I? Is it really all worth it? These are questions that my heart is silent upon answering. The very end of the poem describes how I want to fix all of this without having to say goodbye to him. I honestly don't want him out of my life. I just don't know emotionally stable I will be if I continue to allow him to be apart of my life. It also describes how I don't have the desire to work at something that I going nowhere. I have no hope that he and I are going to be together now. Not as long as Samantha is around. And I know that the only reason he is with her still is because she is there and I am not. So, do I move to New York? Do I move to New York and not tell him? After I move do I show up at his doorstep and surprise the shit out of him? I think it would be thoroughly amusing if I showed up at his doorstep. Or even better, if I was there for a few months and then showed up at his doorstep. I'm giggling just thinking about his reaction. I want him to leave Samantha. I want him to still want to be with me. Wait, I know he still wants to be with me. Let me rephrase that. I want him to always want to be with me. No questions about it. I just wish he didn't have this control over my heart. He's starting to remind me too much of Chris and I don't like being reminded of that relationship.