Friendship & Infatuation � Dec. 30, 2001
I Feel

What exactly does define a friendship? Is it how long you have been friends? How well you know one another? How often you talk or hang out? Do you have to have classes with that person or at least see them in the hallway? These are questions that I have been asking myself lately. Why are these thoughts coming up all of a sudden? I feel like I am now the replacement friend in my clique. I am the only single one now, by my choice, and well, it seems that no one wants to do anything with me anymore because it always seems to be a "couples" thing. I make plans with people and they break them because they want to spend time with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Mainly this all springs from my best friend Holly. She is the one who always says that she will never put a boyfriend in front of a friend and that is exactly what she is doing. I never get to see her anymore because she is always with Sean. I don't even know how to go about telling her how I feel. I don't want to upset her but I know that I can't let this go on much longer. Another thing, we were all supposed to do something on New Year's. Now she and Sean are going over to Crystal's house. What happened to making plans with the rest of the group? She was the one making the plans! Granite, I had about 10 other offers for New Year's but it's the principle of the concept. She made plans and she broke them to be with Sean. I don't think that that is right. I was always lead to believe that friends are always there for each other, but lately, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, I was left alone. I am shoulderless! I know that I shouldn't be complaining about all of this but it really really urks me. I mean, she is my best friend and she is walking all over me. The only time that she ever spends with me now is when she is not with Sean and well that is all the time! So, alas, I am clueless here with no idea what to do about this situation. I know that this doesn't make for very good diary material but well, it is all I could think of right now. I had intentions on putting this entry in my secret entries page but I decided against it. No one knows about the secret page and no one will ever find it. I have hidden it too well.

On another note, I realized what I really want. I want true romance. I really do. I want the full out, no holds bar, sappy stuff. Like, I would love for someone to bring me flowers to work or to my door or leave them in my locker. I would love for them to write me poetry and for them to sing with me. I want someone to not be able to sleep at night without hearing my voice before they go to bed. I want someone to make me their number one priority in life. I love flowers, I love silver jewelry, I love ... being loved. I guess I just want someone to adore me and I don't know how I can go about doing that. I guess that it's just something that cannot be helped. You can't make someone adore you, you can't make them love you. But you can make them realize that you care. Now, how I do this is beyond my train of thought but I wish I could do that with Tim. I wish I could make him realize that I want to be more than just friends with him. I want him to hold me in his arms tightly and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. I want him to bring flowers and poetry to my door. I want him to sing to me and only me. I want him to care. I want him to love. I want him to adore. *sighs* What do you do when you are completely infatuated with someone? Sit and wonder if they are thinking about you. Sit and wonder if they dream of you in the night. Sit and wonder... I am sick and tired of sitting and wondering!! I want him to take action. I want him to say that he wants me to be his. I want him to dream of me and I want all of this so terribly badly that I can taste it. Think I am moving on too fast? Well tough. I know I am and I am still doing it. I will be infatuated with whom ever I want thank you very much. If you have something to say about it, then well say it. I can't promise you that I will listen.