Odd Realizations � Dec. 28, 2001
I Feel

I have realized that I like Tim way too much for my own good. I just talked to him and we made plans for tomorrow night. I noticed that I also jump to conclusions much too quickly. I always take things the wrong way, or too seriously. I am not sure how I can rectify that, but I hope that in the future I can. How exactly did I come upon these conclusions? I have no clue. I was just sitting here, singing to myself, and it hit me. Life is funny like that. Whenever you least expect it, life hits you with a realization that you never even thought of before. That seems to be happening to me a lot lately. Maybe it's because I have had immense amounts of time to think. Maybe. Even still, why did it take me 17 years to come to these conclusions? Perhaps I am starting to think more like an adult than I ever have before. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have never had the thought process of someone my age who is normal, but maybe it is elevating itself. I really don't know what to think anymore. I am trying very desperately to put the past behind me so I can move on with my life, but there is always that constant fear of repeating the past. I always seem to do that. It's like I am living in that movie "Groundhog Day". The one where the same day repeats over and over again. Yeah well, I am starting to think that I should have starred in that movie. I also noticed that lately, I have just said the same things over and over again, only in different words. Why do I do this?? Is it because of my lack of anything interesting to say, or am I really that absent minded that I do not realize what I have already stated? *shrugs* It could be either one. My guess is that it is the former of the two.

I haven't really thought about what to do about Stephen. I have already called and apologized, but I don't know if he will ever talk to me again. I don't even know why this bothers me. I guess that it springs from my deep fear of people hating me. I always have tried to make everyone like me even though I know that that is an impossible feat. I can still try though. My life would be a lot easier if I stopped caring what other people thought of me, but then I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I always want people to see me as the sweet, kind, innocent, and compassionate person that I always strive to be. Somehow it doesn't always work out like that. Life is funny like that.