Gothic Slut � Feb. 23, 2002
I Feel

I dyed my hair golden blonde today. It's sort of a strawberry blonde type look and I must say, I like it. I really do. I am sitting here waiting for Rick to get back into town so I can go over his place. I have had numerous offers as to my pending plans this evening, but I opted for the casual sex option. It is not definite, but I can certainly make it. I originally planned on going out with Jada, my psuedo-gothic old friend that now goes to another school, so I decided to dress the part. I look like a gothic slut. But, I must say, I make one damn pretty gothic slut. I don't do the whole dark lip thing though. I use my normal lip color (I wear a medium brownish lipgloss) but the rest of me is completely changed. I like how I look right now. I look like the old me. [side note: my fire alarm just went on and then off again. I wonder what is wrong. Oh well.] I like looking like the old me. I am more comfortable like this. If you haven't been able to notice, I am returning to my old self. I am tired of being saccharine sweet and overly polite. I am tired of looking, acting, thinking preppy. I am tired of the stereotype that I have become. Maybe if I were more like my old self, Chris would have stayed with me. But oh well, that's the past and I don't dwell on that anymore. I am different now. I have changed and I am happy.

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I am not sure if I mentioned it in another entry, but I was accepted to Indiana University of Pennsylvania on Thursday. That makes me happy too. Now, should I call Rick or wait for him to call? I am getting kind of annoyed, but when he called me, he was out eating dinner. Hmm.. decisions decisions. I could always call Jada back. Or Steve. He still wants to do something. Oh well, who cares. I will do something tonight and that is all that matters.

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I have been having the strangest dreams lately. A few nights ago, I had a dream that Chris emailed me and wanted to be back with me. I don't remember what I did, but most likely, I went back with him. I remember being so happy in that dream. I have had a few strange ones these past few days, but none of them are significant enough to write about. I am not sure if it's just stress, or subconscious thoughts, or fears or what, but all I know is that they have been completely off the wall.

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It's time for the open part of my diary for today. What is my biggest fear? My biggest fear is definitely the fear of being a disappointment. I am always terrified to let anyone down and that is what I have strived not to do for my entire life. That is why I do so many things and why I worry so much about school and everything. I always want to make people proud. I don't even know where this fear comes from, but it is here and it is strong. Very strong. My other fear is death. I am terrified to die and I know that it is going to happen someday. I am just very afraid that no one will remember me when I am gone. Maybe these are silly fears, but well.. they are my fears.

If you haven't been able to tell yet, this is going to be a daily thing for me. I am going to answer questions that I never have before. If you want to ask me something, simply click on the form and I will answer the question in my diary, if it is appropriate. But pretty much everything asked to me will get answered because I am a very open person. So, bring on the questions. Until people start asking questions, I will continue to make up my own personal things that people don't know about me. I am not really that creative of a person, so start asking what you want to know. Bring it on!