I Grew Up � 05.06.03
I Feel

So I have some explaining to do. Alex didn't end up flying here and I am obviously not in South Dakota right now. The next question is why. Alex decided a few days before hand that he was afraid of me coming out there because he is afraid that I won't like him. My mother and I both tried to explain to him that I would like him no matter what because I already like him, so seeing him in a home setting isn't going to change my opinion at all. But, men do not understand a thing women say so he's still afraid that I'm not going to like him and I am still in Pennsylvania. I'm not sure if things are still the same between us. He doesn't seem to have much to talk to me about anymore and that worries me. It also worries me that he is going to get back together with Jodi. I'm not the only one that thinks that. In fact, Todd was basically pushing me away from Alex last night. I'm not sure if he just doesn't want me talking to Alex or he is trying to protect my feelings, but for whatever reason, he was telling me to forget about Alex. What I tried to explain to him is that it's not so easy to disappear when your heart is involved. There. I said it. My heart is involved. I'm not in love with him, I know that for sure, but I can see myself falling in love with him. I don't know. There's something that still bothers me though. He just seems too perfect. I don't know. I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

I have been talking to Adam a lot lately. He said he wanted to do something when I got home from school and that is what we are doing. We are going out tonight actually. I'm not quite sure what we are doing though. We haven't decided. Either that or he just isn't telling me. So, why have I been talking to him a lot lately? To be honest I don't know. He told me the other night that he is moving to Texas in July. Perhaps in the back of my mind, I want to spend every moment possible with him before he leaves because I don't want him to leave. He's my friend. I don't want any of my friends to leave me. I'll miss him more than he even knows. He told me he was excited about tonight and I am too. It will be really nice to see him again. He also told me that there was one thing that will keep him here, but he won't tell me what it is. He told me I would find out soon enough. What that means is completely beyond me. I don't know if I want to analyze it. The last time I analyzed something about Adam was when I was drunk, I wrote an entry about it, and he read it, misunderstanding it completely, all because I was attempting to analyze something when I was drunk. So, that would be why I don't want to ever analyze something about Adam again. I just don't want him taking it the wrong way.

Tony is supposed to call me in a few minutes because he wants to talk to me. I haven't the slightest as to what he wants to talk to me about. He probably wants me to have phone sex with him and he needs to realize that as long as he's with Samantha, I'm not even going to think about doing that. I wonder why some guys just can't get it through their heads. He doesn't have that much control over me. I don't think there is any man who has that much control over me. I don't bend to their every whim, although it may seem like I do. I chose my battles wisely.

Lately I've been thinking. What would happen if I did stop talking to Alex like Todd has been advising me to do? I mean, I really really care about him and I know he is in love with his ex still but.. gah!! I don't know. I don't have all the answers and I don't know what to do with my own life. I cannot control my own emotions anymore. I liked the days when I never let my heart get involved. That was before Chris came into my life. That was before Adam came into my life. And most of all, that was before Alex came into my life. I don't want to disappoint him. But, everything he says to me is conflicting lately. "My heart is getting involved now" (concerning me), "I still have feelings for her" (well no shit! You were with her for years), "I do remember the mean things she said but..." (why is there even a but?), "I want to make you happy" (well pushing me away isn't making me happy!). Hell I don't know anymore. I don't want to disappear from his life. I want to be a big part of his life. He's just not letting that happen right now. Sometimes I just wish my father would have sent me to that convent in France when I was a small child like he threatened. My life would be so much easier now if he had. I mean, I wouldn't have any men to worry about except for God. I wouldn't have had my heart broken so many times, pending another instance of a broken heart, and I certainly would have a purpose in life. I just wish I knew what to do anymore. There once was a time when I thought I had all the answers to my life and my future. Then I grew up.