What I See � 05.06.03
I Feel

You know, I think I am actually going to believe Alex when he says that I am a wonderful person. Maybe it's just my mood right now, but I believe him. And I believe everyone else who has told me that in my life. I know I have my faults; everyone does, but I really do try to make people happy, no matter what the cost to me. That is just how I am. Normally I am bewildered when people thank me for doing things for them or saying nice things about them, things that are normally just apart of my character and not going out of my way at all, and I can never figure out why they go and thank me for it. Perhaps I am just modest when it comes to that sort of thing, but now I realize that there aren't that many people out there that are like me. Not many people care so much about the little things that make people happy. I do. And you know, I've realized now that I deserve so much more than I've been offered. I shouldn't wait around for guys to open their eyes and realize how great of a person they are missing out on because that isn't fair to me. It isn't fair to my heart and frankly, it's a waste of my time. I am sick of being the shoulder for people to cry on, especially when I am head over heels for them, and to continue to go un-noticed in their eyes because they are hung up on someone who isn't right for them or treats them bad. I don't like being that person. I mean, it's not so much that it bothers me being someone's shoulder to cry on, but it bothers me that I think the only reason I put up with it is because I secretly hope that they will realize that I am a wonderful person and that I am the person they want to be with. Who am I fooling? Certainly not myself now that I have come upon this realization. I don't know. Maybe I over-analyze things. I'm not saying that I will not continue to be people's shoulder to cry on, but I am saying that I will no longer get emotionally attached to those people. It's not fair to my heart. It just isn't. I cause a lot of my pain myself and I need to stop doing that. I need to be happy with who I am and stop trying to change in order to make other people happy. I glanced in the mirror last night and I actually said to myself "Wow. I look really pretty tonight." I've never said that about myself before. I wasn't wearing anything special - just a blue sweater and a pair of jeans, and my hair was just straight, and I didn't have any makeup on, but I honestly believe that I looked pretty. For that one moment, I think I saw what everyone else has been telling me for years. For that one moment when I stared into the mirror, I saw a beautiful person who didn't need to put up with all the bullshit that men hand her. You may think this all sounds conceited, and perhaps it does, but after all I've put up with, it's an accomplishment for me to even be the slightest bit conceited. For so many years I hate who I was and what I looked like. Last night I didn't hate who I was. I didn't hate my thighs, or my nose, or my hair. I didn't hate the fact that my chest is considerably smaller than most of my friends. I didn't think I was an awful person and that I didn't deserve to be loved. For one night I actually like who I was. I was comfortable to just be me. I've been comfortable with my body itself for a while, but I've never really liked it. Last night, I saw me through the eyes of every single person who has told me that I am beautiful, and you know what? I liked what I saw.