Damn Cold Night � 05.07.03
I Feel

No offence is meant to be taken from this entry, although I am quite sure that there will be multiple people who take it the wrong way, and also think that it's directed toward them. But, in truth, it's directed toward everyone. Everyone who has ever known me.

There once was a time in my life when I was innocent - a time when I didn't know of all the sorrow and pain in the world. It was a time when all that mattered was what time the kickball game started, who was "it" during tag, and worrying about making it home before the sun went down, even though you were only three doors down the street. The scariest thing was your older brother when he threatened to beat you up if you tattled on him. There weren't people to play with your emotions or to lie to you. There weren't people who implied that you weren't good enough for something or someone. There weren't exes to deal with, or still have feelings for, or to avoid at all costs. That was a time when I didn't know what hatred was, or true sorrow, or love.

And the nights are so cold,
Without being in your arms.
I can't dream of growing old,
Cause those dreams are long gone.
You've killed me with goodbye,
And now. . . you're gone.

*Taken from Faded Dreams � Christine M. Ball 2003*

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being happy someday. I dreamed of living in a huge house with a white fence and having four children. I fantasized about what my wedding would be like and how it would feel to wake up next to someone that loved me every single morning. I always wished to someday, be completely happy. Then I grew up. I realize now that there is no such thing as true happiness. There will be no white fence and there will not be four children. There will not be someone to wake up to every morning. There won't be any of this. All there will be is sorrow, tears, and even more unhappiness. My innocence was robbed from me at a very young age. I had a true childhood for a short period of time. I never got the chance to find out who I was until I was forced to. Now, I stumble down this road and wonder what I have done in my life. If I were to die tomorrow, would anyone care? Would the people that aren't even aware how much I care come to my funeral? Would they shed a single tear? Something deep inside of me tells me that they won't. Not the people that I would like to anyway. It's funny how people can mispreceive someone that they don't even bother to get to know beyond a "hello" or "how's the weather?". I've been called a lot of things in my life, more of things I am not too proud of, but there has never been a moment in my life where I have felt that I was not good enough for someone else. Now, that is the case. I deserve more that I have received in the past, but sometimes, you just set your standards too high. This is one of those times. Something inside of me is screaming to disappear. It's screaming to run away and be free from all of this. And yet, I can't. It's not that easy when your heart gets involved. Nothing is ever easy once your heart takes over. Even if you see something coming head on, there's no avoiding it, and it will eventually hit you like a ton of bricks. I'm about to be hit with a ton of bricks and no matter what I do or say, the inevitible is going to happen. I've fought, I've kicked, I've screamed, and I've threatened to disappear, but it's still going to happen and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. So, I ask myself, why bother? Why even waste the energy and emotions that I barely have left on something that I am told is a lost cause? Why continue to try when people are still afraid that I am going to hurt them and they just assume that there is someone else in my life? Why even attempt to explain? *sigh* I would just like to say this, for anyone who has been wondering:
Adam knows that I will not be the reason that keeps him here, even if he wants me to be. I won't be what keeps him from finding out who he is, even though we both know that I already know what he is going to find - I have all along.

My feelings for Tony are something from my past. In a very short while I have realized that it's not worth the work right now.

There's so much that you didn't even bother to find out about me. There's so much that you need to know, that you will probably never know. I'm willing to tell everything. All you needed to do was ask. Everyday is an adventure and I am willing to take risks, but there is only so much that a woman can take. There is only so much that a heart can handle and a mind can put behind you. There is only so much you can do before you give up.

Sometimes I wish I were a careless little girl again. I wish that everything could be forgotten with cookies & milk or a kiss on the cheek. I wish I weren't the person I've become. It's a damn cold night.