Just Like Me � 07.10.03
I Feel

To you:

I am hurt. I am betrayed. I am shocked. I didn't see this coming. My biggest fear used to be death. It became losing you. I'm living my biggest fear. I don't expect this letter to be elegant, or thought-provoking, or anything of the sort because frankly, I'm not in that mindset right now. My mind is numb. My whole being is numb. You said that you couldn't be in a relationship where you didn't know what was left. Well, here's what I believe is left. I love you. You say you love me. Love is the most powerful emotion that exsists in our human forms and should not be taken lightly. For the longest time, I fought myself because I never wanted to fall in love again. Finally, I forced myself to believe that you would never hurt me. Not like this. Not like you have. Apparently I was wrong. Love is what is left. Support. I supported you no matter what you did. Sometimes I didn't agree with the situation, but I always supported you. You told me things that scared me. I still stuck by you. You told me things that perhaps I shouldn't even know. I still supported you. You're very sick, I still support you. Trust I trusted you no matter where you went. It never crossed my mind that you would even consider cheating on me and I still believe that. I know that a lot of women want you and I still trusted that you would do the right thing. That you would remain faithful to me. I hope you had the same trust in me, because I would never cheat on you. I would never do anything to break your trust. The thing we discussed about your computer, it was a fleeting thought when I was very upset and I had alcohol in my system. I was upset because I thought you lied to me. I thought you lied to me about not talking to her. I was upset because she upset you. I understand that you can't not be friends with her and honestly, I don't care if you are friends with her. I will be nice to her. I will be civil and polite to her. I will accept that you are friends with her. One of the reasons that I did not like her is because of the things she continually said to me, even after I tried to stop talking to her. I was nice to her in the beginning. I tried to bite my tongue when she was telling me off. I only started talking to her in the start because I was worried about your well being. I am always worried about your well being. Honesty. Even when it was something awful, I was always honest with you. I always will be honest with you. I respect you too much to ever lie to you. Respect. I respect you more than anyone in the world. Everything you do is amazing. I always told you that I didn't deserve you. You told me I was wrong. I guess I was right. If any of this means that there isn't anything left, then I don't know what you are looking for. No relationship is perfect. No relationship is easy. You said that all we do is fight. It wasn't like that before. You have taken out your bad moods on me and I did the same. I'm sorry for that. I don't know if I will be going to school in the fall because my mother didn't pay my balance off. That is what has been causing me to stress out lately, and I have been picking fights with everyone, including my family and my best friend, who won't even talk to me right now because of what I said to her yesterday concerning you. She said something spiteful about you and I told her off, telling her that she doesn't know you and that she shouldn't judge you. She's my best friend. I never argue with her and I think I just lost my friendship with her. There is so much I haven't been telling you that has been stressing me out because you have your own problems and I didn't want you to worry about me. I never want you to worry about me. I was always afraid to hurt you. I guess I'm just the awful person I thought I was. You said you wanted to give me my fairytale. This isn't my idea of a fairytale. Giving up on something isn't making it a fairytale. Don't tell me not to make it worse than it already is because it can't get any worse. I just don't understand how you can give up something so easily. I don't understand how you can tell me that you work at things before you give up on them when that is exactly what you are doing. You didn't even give me two months. How can you just give something up so easily when you didn't even give it a chance? We didn't even get to spend any time together. I put off getting a job for the entire summer because I was supposed to come down there. Now I have over $2,000 in bills that I have to pay in a month. It's not happening. You said that this relationship wasn't only about me. I never made it that way. I've been sleeping on the couch for two months with my computer turned on and my sound turned up full blast in case you needed to talk to someone in the middle of the night. I stayed up for hours on end just because you were scared. I always talked to you whenever you needed someone. I've always been like that. So many people have gotten on my case, bashed my character to no end, and told me I was a fool and I told them to leave me alone. I told them that it was my life and I loved you and I didn't care what they thought. And that's all that matters to me. Is that I love you. I listened to the song you wrote me a few minutes ago and I started crying. What happened to that? Feelings like that don't just disappear so quickly. I want to apologize for being such a horrible person. I want to apologize for you not loving me. I want to apologize for everything I did wrong that you never told me about. I can't fix things unless you tell me what's wrong. Everytime I asked you wouldn't tell me. This was a ton of bricks slamming into my face. I was so afraid to lose you and now I have. All I ask is that you hear me out, and give this a second chance. I know what is left. I know that there is love, there is respect, and support, and honesty, and trust, and all of that can make a relationship work. I just don't want you to give up on this so easily. Because this is the only shot there will be. I don't go back once something is final in my heart. And rarely, when I am hurt like this, do I ever talk to that person again. I've learned from that. It only kills me more inside. I told you this wouldn't be elegant. I didn't lie. This letter is numb. Just like me.