Goodbye � 07.09.03
I Feel

I want it to end, and I want to scream, and cry, and do something. Those words from the past echo so clearly in my head now, and I can now say that I know what I was thinking then. Only then, I didn't do the right thing. I didn't end it all when I had the chance. I thought it was bad then? It's hell now. It is now my belief that he wants to be with her again. He didn't tell me that he did, but he couldn't tell me that he didn't want to be. If he can't tell me that, then why the HELL is he marrying me? I feel like I am worthless right now. I feel like I mean nothing to anyone. And the sad thing is, it's true. I look back on everything I've been through and I honestly don't know why I didn't go through with this sooner. Why did someone always have to interfere? Well, no one can do that now. I'm locked in a room. I feel bad for Amber. I feel bad that she's the one I called and it's going to be on her shoulders. I honestly feel terrible. I apologized to her and told her to apologize to him for me. But, she was the only person I could call. Holly is passed out on my couch. She wouldn't have understood a damn word I said. She would have stopped me. So, I let her sleep. I just ... I don't want to live anymore. He's the only reason I'm still here. He's the only reason I still wanted to be here. But now I'm losing him to her. I guess deep down inside I knew it would happen. I knew I was never worth loving. I was just there when he needed someone. And now he's working things out with her and I mean nothing. I mean nothing to anyone and that is why I am going to do this. That is why I am just going to erase myself from existance. I want to erase all of the pain. I can't deal with it on my own and I have been doing that for so long. No one has been able to see my cries for help. And no one ever will. Oh, but they say, you have so much to live for. You have your future. You're so intelligent. You're so beautiful. Everyone likes you. I don't give two shits about that. I never have and I never will. Every god damned thing I've done in life is because it was expected of me. Except loving him. That's the one thing I did for myself and look what happens. I'm not letting it happen anymore. This isn't my cry for help. This is goodbye.