Never Too Often � 07.11.03
I Feel

When I was writing the letter he went on a drive. When he came back, he told me that he didn't want to break up and that he wanted to make things work. I don't know if it was his drive, my letter, or a combination of the two, but for whatever reason, we are back together and I am happy. He told me that part of the reason he wanted to break up was because he didn't think he was making me happy. Well, that was a miscommunication because I am very happy. I couldn't imagine having a more wonderful man as my boyfriend. Yes, we have some things that we need to work on, but that will take time. We are just taking things one day at a time. I'm fine with that. I want to make things work. I believe that it is worth our time to make things work. I am going to do anything possible to make this work. I'm finally going to post the letter in my journal that I wrote to Alex on May 16, 2003. I think that it says a lot.

Alex,

Gracious. I'm not even sure how to begin this. You said you wanted to be the one I hold dear today but what you don't realize is that you already are. Today & everyday. There are so many things that I want to experience with you. I want to see the ocean with you. I want to kiss you in the car at a stop light. I want to feel your arms around me and have the smell of your skin on mine. I want to be awakened from a peaceful sleep by a soft kiss from you. I want to hear your voice as I sing with you. I want to be the first thing you see everyday & the last thing you see every night. I want to be the woman you share your most precious gift with - a gift you are yet to share with any woman. I want to be the one you write your vows to & I want to make tears of joy come to your eyes as I give you mine. I want to see our children grow up to be as amazing as you are. I want to be the one you spend the rest of your life with. I pray that in reading this letter that I do not scare you off. Those are not my intentions at all. You asked what my thoughts towards you are & I'm simply fulfilling that request. I know a lot of the things I have said I would like to do with you seem like I'm attempting to rush things & for that I am sorry. In order to write this letter I had to look deep into my heart to discover what I truly want & you must understand that it is taking a lot of courage for me to even put my thoughts down on paper, let alone let you hear them. It is not your fault that I have problems opening up to people & I never want to make you feel like it is. You cannot control what has happened in my past but you can have a significant impact on my future. I want you to. I never want to make you cry unhappy tears & I never want to make you hurt deep inside. I never want to make you angry & I never want to make you worry, I know that some of these things will eventually happen because no relationship - no person is perfect. There are certain things beyond my control & I accept that. But know this: there will never be a moment that I do not try my best to prevent that from happening. No matter what these next few months may bring I will be as strong as I have to be to make things work with you - with us if that is truly what you want in your heart. I want to be able to say that you are my boyfriend but I cannot just this second. Please try & understand that my reason for saying this os not that I myself am not sure that I want to be with you, but that it is truly so you can be absolutely sure that, after spending time with me in person & getting to know me im the physical sense, you want to be with me. I do not want you to ever feel that you have made a mistake. Me holding off with my answer to your question helps me ensure this. Please also know that I want so very badly to be in love with you. Loving you like I do has already been incredible. I can only imagine that being in love with you will be absolutely breath taking. Alex, I want to make you the happiest man alive. But, I can only do that if you let me. I pray that you will. I have so many things that I would still like to stay to you, but the words are yet to be created in my heart. In time, they will eventually come & when they do, I will be sure to open my heart to you once more. I love you Alex.

Love Forever & Always,
Christi

Okay, so this letter is a wee bit out-dated relationship wise but everything I said I want to do in there is still true. I honestly believe that it was that night that I realized I want to spend the rest of my life with Alex. Long before he asked me. Long before I said yes. I just hinted at it there and I know now, that it's true. I've been praying to God that He can give me the strength and the compassion to get through this little rut that we are experiencing and that our relationship will be stronger because of it. These past few days I've come to the conclusion that I've been neglecting Alex's presence in my life. I don't want to do that. I don't want to neglect him. I want him to know that I love him more and more every moment of the day. Sometimes I overlook the fact that he might no always know that. I myself was feeling neglected and that is what I was focused on. I didn't stop to think that perhaps he was feeling the same way. So now I am going to fix that. Now I am going to make sure that he doesn't ever feel like that and he always knows that I am happy and that I love him. You can never tell the truth too often.