Change In Plans � 07.15.03
I Feel

I feel absolutely awful. First off, I found out some disturbing stuff tonight from Alex and I didn't really know what to say to him. There wasn't really anything I could say to make him feel better. Second off, he decided to go to bed while I was downstairs looking for something for my brother's stomach because he had been puking up blood all morning. I came back just as he was signing off line. I really wish I would have been able to tell him goodnight. I feel very very terrible right now. I'm an awful girlfriend. I should have told him I was going downstairs. I should have spent the entire night trying to keep his mind off of things, but no, I just sat in my haze, not knowing what to say. I would like to state that I am really awful at making conversation over the internet. I am much better in person or on the phone. I honestly don't know what to say online. I don't know why I'm like this either. I guess it's because I'm a very expressive person with my tone of voice and over the internet, you can't tell that. And you also can't read people's reactions or emotions over the internet. That drives me insane. I hate having to ask all the time instead of just knowing. If I were on the phone or in person I would just know. It's how I am. So yeah, I feel awful. I sent his package today, although I'm not sure how long it will take to get to Alabama. Speaking of Alabama, I'm not taking classes in Fall at my current school this fall and I am moving to Alabama to take care of him. He might be getting very sick, very soon and I need to be there for him. I am going to attempt to take classes online in the fall so I can just be there and I can work and I can take care of him. He's not too happy about this decision but it's something I've been considering for a while now. My financial aide got messed up and I was left with a balance of $1,400 for my school account. I have a month to pay it off. There is no way I am going to be able to pay that in a month. No way in hell. So yeah, that was the other reason I'm not going to take classes at my current school in the fall. It's not just because of him so I don't want people bitching to me about "you're throwing your life away for a guy". I'm not. I'm still going to be taking classes and I'm still going to be going back to campus in January. I am in no way, shape, or form throwing my life away. I've already made my decision on this and no one is going to change it. I have other things in my life that are just more important to me right now. Everyone else can just deal.