Terror � 07.20.03
I Feel

Alex went into the hospital today. Tomorrow morning he will undergo level 3 chemotherapy and brain radiation. All I can say is that I am worried. Very very worried. This morning he told me that he didn't want to scare me but no matter what this stuff does to him to remember him as he is right now. That strikes terror into my heart. I don't know if this will alter his personality or what, but I am scared. Of course I am still going to love him. Of course I am still going to marry him. But, how much of an effect is this going to have on him? I am afraid to ask anyone that actually knows for sure. I think I am afraid to hear the answer to that question. I'm afraid that he is going to forget about who I am and what I mean to him. I found out that the reason he broke up with me originally is because his therapist told him to. His fucking therapist! That man knows nothing about me but he had the audacity to say that Alex shouldn't be with me because I'm 19 years old and he is 22. That is really not that much of an age difference. But, according to the all knowing therapist who has never met me before, "we are not at the same point in our lives" and "19 year old girls don't know what they want in life" as well as "19 year olds are not mature enough to be making life changing decisions". My ass! When I asked Alex if it was his therapist that caused him to break up with me for that short period of time he told me yes but then "he realized he was a damn fool". I love Alex so much. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him in my life. I cannot wait to be his wife. I cannot wait to spend these next few months with him. I just want to be with him. That's all I want in life right now. Now all I have to do is get down there.