Novelty & Luck � Feb. 13, 2002
I Feel

I promised Kristie that I would call her back nearly an hour ago. I got caught up reviewing a diary and well, one thing lead to another and here I am. I just wanted to get some things off my chest before I went to sleep.

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I have been very depressed lately. Ever wonder how when things seem so perfect that they can be shattered in an instant? Well I have been thinking about that a lot and frankly, it doesn't help the depression. I don't know how else to feel though. It's hard when you can picture yourself being with someone for the rest of your life and you just pray that they will come to your door and surprise you like they did way back when. It's even harder when you know that you will never stop loving that person and you know that you should get over them, but well, you can't. It's nearly impossible at this point to even try. But here I am, still trying. Over 2 months later and I am still devastated. Will this pain and stress ever end? Will I ever be happy? I truly wish I will be, but I can't see that to be honest. I just see myself alone, depressed, and anguished for the rest of my life. Funny how a little over 2 months ago, I saw myself happy, with the person I love, creating a family, and just being completely content for the rest of my life. Those dreams were shattered in an instant. I want to be able to write about happy things, normal things. It's not normal to be depressed every day of your life. It's not normal to long for the person that you have lost twice. It's not normal to just dream and dream and dream until you want nothing but that dream and that nothing else will make you happy. I don't think that I am normal anymore. I don't think that I am lucky anymore. I did once in my life. I even wondered if the novelty would ever wear off. Well, it has worn off and my luck has run out. I hate Valentine's Day.