Nutcase in Disguise � 07.30.03
I Feel

I finished up all the odds and ends in my diary, made the photo gallery, and updated everything. So yeah, now I can relax. Well I suppose I could relax if I could breathe, had sleep, and every part of my body didn't ache because I've been gasping for air since 7:30 this morning. Ahh yes, why am I gasping for air? I had a massive asthma attack in my sleep that woke me up, and guess what, my inhaler died last night. I will not have another one until about 6pm tonight. I'm bitchy as hell because I've had half a cigarette in the last 6 hours, I can't eat because my lungs hurt so bad that it's upsetting my stomach, and my back is on fire for trying so hard to breathe. Oh the fun. Why don't I just go back to sleep until the inhaler arrives? Simple. When I can't breathe, I can't fall asleep. In order for me to fall asleep my lungs have to be completely clear because I have a fear in the back of my mind that I will stop breathing in my sleep and die. So yeah, I've got about 5 more hours to go until I will be able to relax. Damnit this sucks.

Lately I've been feeling very insecure. Alex tells me that I'm beautiful all the time but well, it doesn't really change my opinion about myself. It's kind of hard to believe people when they say you are beautiful when you hate yourself so much. I try to believe him, I really do, but it's just hard. And it's not that he doesn't make me happy because he does. He really does. It's just that I've had such a low self esteem for so very long, and for no reason at all I might add, that it's just hard to get out of that rut. It's hard to let other people love you when you don't love yourself.

Another thing that donned on me last night was the fact that I really wish I wouldn't have lost my virginity two years ago. Don't get me wrong. I love sex. I enjoy sex almost as much as I enjoy cuddling and kissing. But my point is, I am the only woman Alex is ever going to sleep with in his entire life. I can't give him that same gift because I've already slept with four other men. Four men now seems like a ton in two years. I feel like I am depriving him of something that I wish I could offer him. I honestly feel kind of slutty because of this. Now, I know I have no reason to, but I never could control the thoughts in my head so there's no point in trying right now. I feel bad. I really do. Why couldn't I have met Alex when I was 17, when I was ready to sleep with someone? Why did it take sleeping with four other men to find the one I will sleep with for the rest of my life? Why the hell am I even thinking about this so in depth. I swear sometimes I'm a nutcase in disguise.