Day One - Twitching & Annoyance � 08.03.03
I Feel

Alex got shot on Friday night. Yes, shot. Now imagine the terror that filled up inside of me when I came home from my dinner with my parents to find a message from Ash telling me that Kendall IMed her and told her that she needed to get ahold of Alex's girlfriend because he had been shot. I did not know where he was shot at, how bad it was, or if he was even alive. I panicked. First I puked up the dinner that I had just eaten. Then my body decided to hyperventilate. That was fun. Then, I went into my kitchen and beat the shit out of a cement wall. That was probably the brightest idea I had in a long while since I smashed my knuckle in. It still hurts. So, after I punched the wall over and over my body decided to hyperventilate again. I took my beer and went outside, hoping that the fresh air would help me calm down a little better. It didn't. I came back inside and Kendall came back online. She told me that he was shot twice in the arm and once in the shoulder and that he was going to be okay. That still didn't calm me down. I went into shock and sat on the couch with tears streaming down my face. Alex came home. I talked to him but I was still really shaken up. It wasn't a good night for me at all.

Last night Alex woke me up at midnight (I laid down at 9pm and woke up at 11pm, saw that he wasn't online and laid back down) saying that he needed to talk to me. Well we talked about what he needed to talk to me about and needless to say I was shocked. I am not going to discuss it in here in detail because I promised him that I would keep it between him and me but it does need to be said that he and I now have issues that we need to discuss in person, which we hope is very soon.

Three hours ago, I quit smoking. Yes, I quit smoking. I will now pause to allow the sky to fall, hell to freeze over, and pigs to fly. *pauses for two mintues* Okay that's enough of a pause. I suppose an explanation is needed. Alex once said to me that he would prefer that I not smoke. Somewhere inside of me, that struck a nerve. I don't know when I realized that, but it did. Something about him saying that stayed in my mind. This afternoon I decided that I was going to quit. It really was a selfish habit anyway. I want to spend as much time as possible in this life with Alex that I can. How dare I take years of that time away from him, away from us, away from our future children, because I became addicted to something when I was 12 years old? That is just purely selfish of me. I never want to be a selfish person. So, I quit. I bought four pounds of candy at the store in hopes that it will help. I will probably rot my teeth in the process. So, it's been 3 hours. 3 hours and I am already feeling the effects of insanity kicking in. But, I know I can do this. I promised myself that I would for Alex. Alex believes that I can do it and so do I. I want to do this. I need to do this. I told Holly that I quit smoking when I went to her work to get my stuff out of her car and she didn't seem to react how I expected her to react.

Me: "So I quit smoking." *tapping my fingernails on the counter*

H: "Why did you do that? What? Did Alex tell you to quit smoking?"

Me: "He did say that he would prefer if I didn't, but he didn't tell me to." *tap tap tap*

H: "You know Crys, what is with you? You have never let a man tell you what to do and all of a sudden you're changing your whole life?"

Me: "Um no, not exactly. It's not like the things I have been doing to change my life are bad for me. They're good for me." *tap tap tap*

H: "You've never let a man tell you what to do."

Me: "Right. Well I have to go. I'll call you later." I grabbed my bag and practically ran out the door.

Okay so where did that reaction come from? Shouldn't she be happy that I'm doing something about a deadly habit that is going to take years off my life? The only things I have really changed about myself is quitting drugs and quitting smoking - neither of which were good for me in the first place. I didn't quit them because I was told to, I quit them because they were selfish habits and I was asked to not do them. And since when was Holly pissed off about me quitting drugs? She's been on my case about that for years. And now all of a sudden, since she doesn't have a reason to think she's better than me, she gets pissed off? That's fucked up. Ahh I can already see the bitchiness kicking in already. In the last 10 minutes I've completely bashed my best friend. I think that quitting smoking is more of a truth serum than alcohol is. This is going to be an interesting adventure. Day one - twitching and annoyance.