Day Three - Scream, Cry, Eat, Sleep, Ramble � 08.05.03
I Feel

I was so stressed out yesterday that I couldn't even write. I spent most of the day either staring off into space, sleeping, tapping my fingers, or bawling my eyes out. See what an effect quitting smoking has on me? One minute I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and the next I'm bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. And I do mean uncontrollably. I wanted to stop crying and I couldn't. I seriously couldn't make myself. Most of today was spent sleeping. I am not joking. I slept every chance I had and I'm still tired now. It's starting to bother me that because I quit smoking I can hardly freaking breathe, I'm eating non-stop, I'm sleeping when I'm not eating, I'm moody, and I have no desire to do anything at all. It seems rather detrimental if you ask me, but I promised Alex I would quit and I don't want to let him down. He is the only reason I'm doing this. He is the only reason I'm putting myself through this hell. And I was told that it only gets worse. How can it get much worse than this? I can't even stop crying when I want to. How is it possible to get worse than this? Someone just explain that to me. I can't even carry a straight train of thought. My eyes are continually itchy and I'm even mean to my kitten! My kitten for christ sakes! The only person/thing I'm not taking this out on is Alex because he's the reason I'm doing this and I certainly don't want him to leave me because he thinks I'm a bitch. In all honesty, I was a much nicer person when I was a smoker. I'm just waiting for my family to kick me out of the house. And you know, it would be nice of them if they didn't smoke in front of me but they obviously don't give two shits about how this is slowly killing me inside and the only goddamned thing I can think about is smoking. I've eaten so much candy in the last three days that I am surprised I am not the size of a large house by now. I'm sick of candy. It wasn't even helping that much. I am so sick of candy that I am not even eating it anymore. I'm just dealing with wanting to kill people. I am not going to rot my teeth because I quit smoking. A person can only brush their teeth so many times a day without having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. See? I'm rambling. I do that now. I scream, I cry, I eat, I sleep, and I ramble. That is what I do now.