Day Four - Misunderstood � 08.06.03
I Feel

Today wasn't as bad as I expected, not smoking wise. Actually I felt pretty good. Now as for everything else? I'm not sure how things could be just so hellish. First, my family makes me feel like absolute utter shit. I'm sick and tired of sugar coating things in here because my mother reads it. I am sick and tired of just writing what I think won't offend people. So, I'm going to let loose for once in my life. It really pisses me off that my entire family complains that they have no money when a shit load of their money goes to fucking pot. Here's a thought! Stop ruining our lives, and I do say our because I am affected by this too, and stop smoking pot. We would have a lot more money if you did that. And Mom? Maybe your husband wouldn't be so fucking lazy and he would get off his ass and get a job if he didn't spend his day sitting on the computer and smoking pot all day! And don't hand me that bullshit that he's going to school because we're chipping out money for him to go to school and he can't even do his fucking work for those classes. And then there's me, who did all her work & who kept her grades up, who can't go to school next semester because we owe the school a shit load of money. But we had the money to send Dad to school who doesn't do his fucking work and spends his days smoking pot. And Jim? Fuck you! Fuck you for everything you've ever said to me in my life that has made me feel like shit. I can't stand you. If you hate it so bad here then move the fuck out! You won't be missed. You moved out and you came back because you can't survive on your own. That's pathetic. You're 22 years old and you can't survive on your own. Grow the fuck up. You want to bitch to me about not getting a job while I was at school? Well guess what! I fucking tried and no one was hiring. Ask my sisters. I was putting in applications EVERYWHERE. And Mom? You want to bitch at me for not getting a job all summer because I was supposed to be traveling to see Alex and I still haven't? FUCK YOU! I tried to take things into my own hands and I was asked not to do that. So, me being the good girlfriend I am, I listened. I'm trying my damnedest to get down there. But I'm not the only one that it involves. If you have a problem with it, take it up with the one who has control of the situation and stop bitching at me. I don't need to hear it. It only makes me feel worse. And Holly! Where the fuck to start with you. How dare you spout off to my family members behind my back about my "internet romance" and how "I'm crazy". If you cared so much about me then why the fuck don't you try to make time for me? Why don't you make plans with me when I call you and ask you what you are doing? What the fuck is your problem? Here's a thought. Stop hanging out with people that are still in high school because they worship you and try to work things out with your friends that are you own age! Oh I know why you don't want to hang out with us anymore. We don't worship you! Did you ever think that we don't worship you because that's not how friendships work? Get a fucking clue before you bitch to other people about me.

Alex, you aren't the one who is ruining my life. My life has been messed up for a long time. Sweetie, you mean the world to me and you aren't causing problems between my friends and me. I promise you. We've had our problems for a long while and we've just ignored them. I'm not going to ignore them anymore. I don't want us to break up. That would kill me. It just hurts that I can't see you. All I want is to be with you and all kinds of things keep happening and everyone around me tells me that you are just making excuses. I don't want them to be right Alex. Please don't make them right. The people around me aren't as compassionate as I am. They aren't afraid to make you cry or to upset you. They certainly aren't afraid to make me cry because they do it on a daily basis. I need to get out of here Alex. I need to get away from here and never look back. I don't want to live this life anymore. They say that there's always something better over the rainbow. You are what is waiting for me on the other side of the rainbow and I want to get there. I just don't know the way. Please show me the way. I'm sorry that you misunderstood my away message. It wasn't directed towards you at all. But then again, I always seem to be misunderstood. I want my fairytale. You are my fairytale.