Let's Get Personal & Frustration � Feb. 24, 2002
I Feel

I am going to start with my Question of the Day because it amuses me.

Are you a take charge kind of girl when it comes to making love?

Mmmkay. This is interesting. No, I am not dominant. I do have my reasons for this and I will explain them. One of my reasons is that I am a very submissive person. I like gentleness, especially in bed because it's just like.. well you know that the person cares enough because they don't want to hurt you and they want everything to be perfect. I like to cuddle a lot and I guess that springs from there. Another reason for me not being dominant is that I honestly can't see myself taking charge. I can sometimes, but well I like having things done instead of doing them. I don't nescessarily like being told what to do, so I guess that action wise, I am submissive. I hardly doubt that I am making any sense here, but that is okay. It's sort of funny that I am very submissive in bed because in everything else, I am very dominant. I am overly competitive and I must be in charge. It's one of those things that I have tried stopping and well, I am not very good at quitting bad habits. Another thing that is sort of related to that, that I haven't quite figured out yet is that I am very quiet in bed. Seriously. Don't get me wrong here, pretty much everything I have experienced is great, but well I am just quiet. I don't know why. I wish I did. And I have tried being louder so to speak but it just doesn't work for me. But, I guess that this is enough open-ness for one entry. On to the boring stuff!

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I realized that I really need to control my temper. There isn't really an isolated incident, but I know that I get fired up very easily and I should stop letting myself do that. It's just one of those things that I feel would make me a better person. I am going to think before I speak and I am not going to let myself get upset about everything that does not go my way. I am also going to smile more. My goal is to smile at 5 people for no reason a day. This, I feel, will also make me a better person.

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I went out with my cousin and two of his friends today. One of them was pretty annoying but the other one, Steve, was pretty cool. He was definitely trying to impress little old me though. It was obvious. Especially when we were playing basketball and when we were swinging on swings. (We went to a park.) And he hurt his ankle playing basketball and kept asking me to look at it every half an hour. I am pretty sure that he sprained it. He could hardly walk, but being the macho man that he is, he played it off like it didn't hurt, until I inspected it every half an hour. I think he just wanted me to touch him, but he definitely did something to his ankle. He could have asked Brian or Rick to look at it, but he kept asking me. And he kept automatically getting in the back seat with me. And he kept making comments about my hair.. etc etc. Well, I guess that I am getting pretty boring here with this entry, but oh well.

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I went to Rick's house last night. He called around 10ish and I went over there. When I arrived, there was a party in progress. It took forever for everyone to clear out and finally they did around 12ish but then, everytime he and I would get comfortable on the recliner (I was sitting across the room curled up under a blanket, in a huge chair, looking sweet, innocent, and cute, watching television all by myself and he told me to come and sit on his lap) someone would call and want to make a deal. This seemed to be every half an hour. I am starting to kick myself for being involved with someone who's extra-curricular activities are somewhat illegal because it gets annoying after a while. But, I did get very obliterated last night. I decided to go home around 3, after turning down his offer for me to stay over. That is just what I need. For Jason and Ken to come home around 4 and find me sleeping with Rick in his bed. I can already hear the rumors. Especially when they are already starting to float around town and beyond. So sadly, no I did not get sex last night. The most I got was a little groping and a kiss goodnight. I guess I should be satisfied. It was my decision to get into this. Although we are definitely nothing serious. I have already gotten into arguements with him over this because he keeps insisting that I want more. I don't want more. I could deal with more, but I don't want more. I am just not in the mood for a relationship right now. Not with him anyway. I would rather keep things how they are, just more intimate. That is just how I feel right now. Maybe it will change in the future, but I doubt it. But the reason we argue about it is because him insisting that I want more, or I will want more, and he doesn't want a relationship. I get so frustrated trying to explain to him that I don't want more and I always hear that I am not the one listening! I am listening loud and clear. I am the one who can't make her point clearer. It just gets so frustrating sometimes. Oh well.