Who I Am � May. 26, 2002
I Feel

I have always been told that I put out enough sexual innuendo to drive an entire room of men crazy. I don't see how that is a bad thing. Guys just come to me and I don't have a problem with that at all. I am not exactly sure why they come to me, they just do. And as for me being flirtatious? That is just the woman I am. People seriously need to learn to deal with the fact that I am a flirt. That is who I am and who I always will be. I am more than that though. I am a very deep person.. people just don't take the time to find out. I think that the strength I portray scares people away. I refuse to openly let people walk all over me. People shouldn't be treated like that. I just want to be treated like a human being. Not a sex object. I am not even that pretty! People see a tall, skinny, girl with long blonde hair and automatically think that I am easy, but that is definitely not the case. I mean come on here. I was with Matt for 2 months and he didn't get laid. Maybe that's why he broke up with me. Who knows, who cares. I certainly don't. I had my doubts about that relationship to begin with, but I just didn't express them to anyone. There is a lot that I am thinking that I do not express. I am not sure why... I am just not that open anymore. Maybe I am afraid of what people will think of me.. maybe I should just stop caring what people think. I don't need to have constant attention, I just seem to have it. So, I guess that I will just have to let all of this be. There isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

There isn't really a reason for the lack of an entry these past few days. I have spent my days working and my nights drinking. That is all there is to it. When you leave directly from work and go to a party and not come home until early morning, there isn't really time to write.. especially if you are not in your right mind. Hell, lately, when I come home, I can't even figure out how to turn the computer on, let alone type out an entry that makes sense. And no one really wants to read my babble anyways, so I will save it for actual thoughts.

"I think I coalesced my thoughts recently, as to why I never thought the guys you were with were right for you. Now, I'm not saying that you didn't have a damned good time while you were with them, and I'm not saying I knew it wouldn't work out. However, the fact remains that they are not right for you. You are a dynamic person, and your world extends far beyond the little boundaries of mundane life. You are dramatic, you are emotional, and you are creative. However, you seem to be picking guys that are mundane, dull, boring, and expecting nothing past normal human expectations. In short, you're trying to lower yourself to make people who are unworthy of you happy. But then, this is just my view."

This little tid bit of insight comes from Eric. My dear, all knowing, friend Eric. We were having this conversation earlier in the week when we were discussing why Matt and I broke up. He is right. I am lowering myself to make people happy. I am sick and tired of doing that. The next guy that I give the time of day to better be pretty damn special, otherwise he isn't worth the waste of my time. That is how it is going to be for now on. I am tired of settling. I am sick and tired of it. I am not settling for second best anymore. This is who I am now.

I am about to go out with Chris. Ex Chris. This shall prove to be interesting. I wonder if he will like who I am now.