Too Many Nights � 06.10.03
I Feel

Yes, I'm still alive. Surprisingly. I've just been sick lately and when you are sick you can't write entries. Not any that make sense anyway. So what exactly is wrong with me? My head is going to explode, my entire body aches, I'm stuffed up, no appetite, exhausted constantly, dizziness, and on top of it all my uterus decided to bleed twice in one month. Fun stuff, let me tell you. Alex's surgery went fine. He came home two days later because he didn't want to stay in the hospital. After a few disappearance scares everything was all good. Now, his family is living in Alabama and he's off of all of the morphine by his choice. He wrote me another song the other day and it has to be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I am supposed to be going there on Sunday. We'll see if that one happens. I really hope it does because if he doesn't get the plane ticket this time I'm going to be really pissed off. I don't say that to make him feel like shit either because those aren't my intentions. It just seems like everytime we are supposed to be together something happens. I mean granted, all of that crap is out of his control, but this time it's not. There's nothing keeping us this time so it better happen. I've spent too many nights going to bed without him beside me and too many nights I have said goodnight to him without him even hearing me. Too many nights have I kissed his cross goodnight and too many mornings I've woken up without seeing his face or hearing his voice in my ear. There have just been too many nights that I have been alone and I don't want to be alone like that anymore. Granted it will only be for a week but it's still something. And then a week & a half later I'm going to see him again. So everything is not as bad as it seems. I will get to see him soon and I will be happy. Yes, I will be happy. But right now I still have too many nights until I get to see him. Damn these nights. There's too many of them. I should do something about that.