A Long While � 11.11.02
I Feel

God I hate the fact that I have mild insomnia. It's almost 3am, I have to be up at 8:30, and I am not even the least bit tired. I would drink tea but I am out of sugar. I completely forgot to get some when I was home last weekend. I am starting to think this is a God foresaken hell hole. Honestly it is. All it ever does is rain up here. On the bright side, I have five days until I am going home. Then after that I have a week until Thanksgiving break. I am almost halfway done with the school year. Wow has it gone fast. It just hit me a few minutes ago that I was in college. It's weird. I mean I always knew I was here, but it just really hit me how old I am truly getting. I mean, experts would say that my life is already a fourth of the way over. I don't like to think like that. I don't like to think that I could be dead someday. I love living. Sure, it may seem at times that I don't want to be here but I never really want my life to just end. I am not sure if there is anyone out there who really truly understands where I am coming from. I don't know. I've always had a fear of death. And I realized that in twenty years, half of what I experience here at college isn't going to even be a memory in my mind. Most of it is not even going to matter. And yet, right now it's all a huge deal. I don't understand how it is possible to have so much happen in your life only for you to forget most of it. It would be nice if we only lived the really really good moments all of our lives. Then no one would be sad, no one would be angry.. everyone would be truly happy. That would be nice. Too bad I am such a huge dreamer when it comes to that. I don't think I am ever going to be truly happy. I mean I just realized that there are so many people out there who are my age who have actually done something with their lives by now and I am just sitting here, in college, and I haven't really achieved anything truly great yet. I don't like that feeling. I just want to do something. I am not sure where any of this is coming from. This is what happens when I am bored out of my mind at 3am. I start to ramble about things that do not make sense to anyone, including me. Oh well.

I didn't mean to hurt you
I only wanted you to understand
I only wanted you to see why I was angry
To realize what you've done to me
I cannot make you see
Just how much you mean to me
But I'm not who you think I am
I am more than you will ever understand
I am more caring & compassionate than you will ever know
But you don't see all of this
And I fear you never will
I am not always as sweet as I make you believe
I am not as simple as you think
I can be your everything
I can make you happy
But I am only as perfect as you want me to be

Okay so that was totally out of no where. I just started writing and I wasn't even thinking about it. Strange when that happens. I wouldn't even consider that poetry. I haven't written a good poem in a long while. Hell I haven't written anything good in a long while. It's been a long while since I've done anything. It's been a long while since I've been happy, since I've slept at a normal hour, since I've written anything good, since I've talked to certain people.. hell it's just been a long while.