Imprinted in Your Mind � 11.10.02
I Feel

Yesterday night turned out to be one of those nights that has parts that you want to forget, parts you regret, and parts that have forever left it's imprint on your mind. Allow me to explain. After I finished writing my entry yesterday I went to dinner with Kelly. We ended up eating with Josh & Lee who are both gay and they are exes. It was a rather interesting dinner to say the least. Lee called himself a flaming homosexual and deep throated a banana, Josh argued with Kelly & me that guys are better kissers than girls, Kelly & Lee made me rub Josh's leg with my foot from all the way across the table and he thought it was Kelly's hand, Lee & I discussed vibrators, and Josh told us that even if Kelly smelled like a boy and looked like a boy, he would still not sleep with her because she has boobs. There was a lot more to the dinner than just that but it would take forever to list everything that was done and talked about because we were there for two hours. After dinner Kelly & I came back to my place to get ready to go out with Christin & Darren. I got into an arguement with Shaun and that soured my mood big time. My away message was very lovely if I do say so myself.

I want to know why you came into my life to shatter my picture perfect world. Was I someone special or merely a boost to your already inflated ego? I assure you that next time, I will not be here everytime that you need your ego fix. Slowly, I sit here and heal myself, secluded in this silent chamber of hell that I have created to protect myself from the rest of the world, but I will not stay forever, for I will have learned and moved on. Shut away from people like you, who mock me behind my back with your actions.

Does that ring a bell to anyone who has been reading my diary for a while? I had to use it. Words from the past are always the best thing to do when you need something to reflect upon. Anyways I guess he felt bad for arguing with me and sent me 16 instant messages when I was asleep. But back to going out with my girls. Kelly, Christin, Darren, & I decided to go to Caldwell's place for his party. Kelly & I ended up kicking ass at beer pong. Then we got bored and went back to Christin's place and Harry came with us. (*gush*) We all sat around and played drinking games until about 6:00am and then Harry & I walked Kelly home. The whole night Harry was very cuddly with me and I loved every minute of it. I had told Christin earlier "Do you even understand how much I like him Big? Is that even possible that anyone could understand?". She knew exactly how I felt. It was so nice to see him again considering I hadn't seen him since the date party and I forgot to get his phone number last time. So Harry & I came back to my place and slept, him holding me the whole time. He had to leave fairly early today for Anchor Splash (a philanthrophy event) and I just got on my computer for a little while. That is when I found the instant messages from Shaun. I replied to him but I guess I seemed kind of bitchy, which weren't my intentions, and then I turned another away message on and went back to sleep.

You are yet to realize that your words cannot cut my flesh anymore. I am numb to your words; numb to your touch; numb to you. I am able to see right through that facade that you have placed in front of me, attempting to blind me with your masquerade. I am not so easily fooled by the mask that you hide behind uttering those deceiving words. I am smarter than you think and I refuse to cave so quickly underneath all of the harm that rips into my soul.

Aren't I just poetic today? Well that message seemed to piss him off royally I presume because he sent me a very mean instant message telling me to never talk to him again and when I instant messaged him back he was out with his ex (who he said he was completely done with, which is what started the whole arguement last night) and his cousin (who hates me for no good reason.) So, I finally felt bad for pissing him off and I sent him sort of an apology instant message but also telling him if he was going to be like this then I was perfectly fine not being friends with him. I haven't heard from him since and he isn't online so I don't know what is going on. I am not sure if I should call or if I should just forget about him completely. My Big thinks that Harry is going to ask me out. That would be nice but I am not sure if I want a relationship right now. Oh hell I don't know anything anymore! Why does there always have to be so much drama in my life? Can't I just live a normal happy life? I can't see why that is so hard to ask....

There are times in a person's life where they have to make a choice. That choice could very well define who they are. It can very possibly be the most important decision that they will ever make in their entire existance. Life is full of those opportunities. There are always ways to change who we are and what we believe in. There are always ways to show someone what they truly mean to you. There are always those choices. Life is full of choices. It's up to the person to decide which ones they actually want to act upon.