Fucked Up Royally � 11.09.02
I Feel

Oh my God this has been one hell of a week. I did not end up going to Shaun's on Thursday night because when I came home from the mixer, I decided that eating Ramen noodles would be a good idea. It wasn't. I saw those noodles all night and it was very disgusting. Then in the midst of my vomiting all of my organs out, someone pulled the fire alarm so I had to go outside and I was just miserable. In the morning, when I could see straight, Shaun was flipping out on me in IM because I broke my promise to sleep over there. I tried to explain to him that I didn't intentionally blow him off and he was still pissed. So we argued everytime he was online and then I finally agreed to stay over last night. Then he thought I was blowing him off again because I turned my away message on until like midnight, but he knew that Kelly was here and that I was chilling with her for a bit because she is not going to be here next semester. So then he was pissed off at me for that and when I was in the shower he left a very nasty voice mail on my phone (Kelly refuses to answer my phone) and then when he realized that I was still here and still had intentions of staying over, he apologized for like half an hour. So then Kelly, Shaun, and I went to Sheetz, came back to my place and we ate. Then Kelly went home and I went to Shaun's place. We talked and fooled around for a few hours and I made fun of his music (you should hear some of the strange shit that ended up coming out of this man's computer) and then I finally stopped playing mind games with him and slept with him. And for all of you who are going to either say something to me about this entry or think that I am a slut, I don't care. I am not a slut. He is the only person that I am sleeping with. Millions of people have fuck buddies and I am perfectly happy with mine. We both are under the understanding that we do not want relationships with one another and that there are no strings attached. It is really nice though because he actually holds me when we are sleeping, and plays with my hair, and rubs my stomach when I don't feel well.. Adam never used to do any of this when we were dating, especially when I slept over. It's kind of like I am more intimate with Shaun, who is just an FTF, than Adam, who was my boyfriend and who supposedly cared about me. Anyways, basically this gives me the freedom to do something I enjoy with someone that I am very good friends with (no this is not messing up our friendship, if anything it's making us closer.. we had a long conversation about this earlier) and if I end up in a relationship with someone, I can just cut things off and go back to being friends. We both agree to that and that is the beautiful part about it. Last night I told him that we were both teaching each other something through all of this. He was teaching me how to truly enjoy sex (up until him I never really enjoyed it that much, hence my lack of desire to do the act itself) and I am teaching him how to truly appreciate it. It's a wonderful thing when both of us win. So that is what happened last night. We went outside to smoke a cigarette at like 6:30am (we had just finished) and someone lit his building on fire. So everyone else came outside from his hall and we just laughed because we were already awake and if it would have been 20 minutes earlier I would have been damn pissed. What was so ironic about it is that I told him earlier that someone was going to pull the fire alarm that night, just because we were having sex and God is out to get me. Well I was spared this time.

I spoke of several epiphanies that I had earlier in the week. One of them came from a song. The song was All My Life by KC & Jo Jo. It just so happened to come out of my computer when I was laying in my bed reading the other day. I had all of my music files on random and it came on. I stopped and started thinking about the words of the song. I realized that was the song that Adam played the night that he gave me the necklace. The night with the fireplace and the candles in a heart shape and the full body massage and all that wonderful bonding that we shared. That was the first song he had on when I came into the room and there was a purpose for it. From then on I had considered that our song because the words were true at the time. I had no clue just how true they were until the other night. I started to think more and more about the words. Every word in that song was true of what Adam said he felt for me at the time. When I realized this, I started crying because I realized just how ingrateful I must have seemed. Honestly. He gave me the world and I didn't know how to show him how much I loved him. I always have the problem. I never have truly been able to show someone how much I love them. Adam and I came from too different families. I don't know much about his childhood but I am under the impression that his parents were very loving and showed him that all the time. My parents on the other hand, lacked in that department. I mean, I know that they loved me but they never really started to show it until recently. So I never grew up knowing just exactly how to show someone that I loved them. It's not one of those natural things. It's something that you learn along the way. I also realized why he played that song when he did. At the time, I had told him that I didn't know if I loved him or not and part of the lyrics of the song are "I pray that you do love me too". I understand completely now. It's funny that it took me so very long to come to this conclusion. He truly always thought everything out because he cared so much. I wish I would have realized this a lot sooner because I threw a perfectly wonderful relationship down the toilet without even knowing it. I just wish I didn't hurt him as badly as I did. I realize now everything that I did wrong. I realize what I shouldn't have said and if I would have known that he cared that much half of the stuff I said would have never escaped my lips. I wouldn't have even thought it. And now I feel like I am just a terrible person. I hurt the one person who actually loved me, more than anyone could ever imagine and I can never take that back. That, I imagine, is going to be one of the regrets that I have for the rest of my life, along side when I lost my virginity and who I lost it to, coming to IUP instead of New York, not telling my Grandmother how much I loved her before she died, and telling my father I hated him. There are a bunch more on that list but I am too lazy to type them all out. So that was one of my epiphanies. It was accompanied by the dream I had a few days later. All it was was that entire night replayed in my head, detail for detail, but it shook me up so bad that I woke up crying. It was so real that I was in disbelief. I could smell exactly everything, I could taste the wine, I could feel the heat of the fire place.. it was so damn real.. I hate dreams like that. They scare me. That is one night my mind will never let me forget. So all I can do now is remember, and try to live my life like a normal person. I know I fucked up royally and I hate myself for it.