Aren't In It � 06.14.03
I Feel

I so love being woken up at ten in the morning when I only feel asleep about two hours before. My body refuses to sleep. So this caused me to flip out on my so called family. You know, I don't even have a bedroom here yet? I've been "home" for a month and a half and they don't care. A month and a half. My "bedroom" is the computer room right now. Mither still claims that they are going to put the computers downstairs but I know my father isn't going to give up his little haven. No way in hell. So, I have decided that next break I have for school, I'm not coming "home". Simple as that. At least if I stay at the sorority house I'll have a room. I won't live in the living room, where all of my life is still in boxes in the dining room. I won't be woken up at ten in the morning because my twenty-two year old brother wants to watch his Saturday morning Jap animation cartoons that six year olds watch. So I went upstairs after flipping out and got into it with my mother. The whole mess ended up with me covering my head with a pillow and bawling my eyes out. Then when I just got up and left the room she expected me to fall asleep again after I have to be up in forty-five minutes anyway for Ashleigh's graduation party. This is going to be a wonderful day, let me tell you. I'm going to be in a real peachy mood. I hope my family is happy because they are pushing me away. I'm about to move away from it all and be with Alex. Speaking of Alex, my mother asked me if I was fighting with him and that's why I'm "cranky". No Mither, Alex is the best thing in my life right now. He actually gives two shits about what I think and feel. He's there for me when I'm upset. He's there for me when I have mental breakdowns, which seem to be happening more and more lately. He's actually concerned for my emotional state where as the rest of you, the people who are supposed to care, brush it off as mood swings or that I want attention or what not. He sees the real picture. He sees that there isn't something right in my head. He sees that I'm not going to sleep it off and be better again. You would think that my "family" would notice this first but they really don't. So here's a thought dear family. How about I go and marry Alex and never speak to any of you again? Would you like that? Is that what you want? Well even if you don't want that, that is what is going to happen. You are pushing me to shut you out of my life. I don't think I can take having you in my life anymore. Last night I was telling myself how lucky I was to have a family that cared. That was such a fucking joke it wasn't even funny. I so love when my mind puts up facades when on the inside I'm really screaming. Oh yes, it's so fun to hate your life so badly that your mind tells you everything is okay. Well guess what. Everything isn't okay. It's not going to be okay and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. I'm taking control again. I'm taking back my life. I'm planning my future. And you aren't in it.