What Happens to Me � 06.19.03
I Feel

I clicked out of Alex's diary and stood up to go downstairs. I was in a daze after reading his entries. I turned to walk away from what I had just read and my hand connected with something. Glass shattered on the floor. Just lovely, I thought. I stared down at the broken glass for a moment and it felt like my heart was in pieces on the floor, instead of the sharp pieces of glass that were glaring up at me. I helped clean the glass up and went into the bathroom, to get a shower. My hand connected with something else. An ashtray fell to the floor and I stared down at the blackened mess I had just made. My mother asked what was wrong with me and I muttered that I would be fine. I watched her clean up the ashes in a daze and then I disgarded my clothes and stepped into the shower. The warm waters rushed down over me, washing away everything but my troubled mind. If he wasn't over her, how could he want to marry me? How could he be in love with me like he says he is if he still had thoughts of her? How could he want to marry me, when the day that he was supposed to marry her pains his heart? I couldn't conceive the notion myself. I wasn't able to love until I was over Chris. Yes, sometimes I was depressed at the thought of things that were supposed to happen with him and me but that was only until I found someone else that made it all go away. The only time I get depressed about anything dealing with Chris and me is when I realize that I am supposed to have a child right now, but that didn't happen. How could his feelings that he professes for me be pure if his mind is still tainted with thoughts of her? These are the thoughts that plague my troubled mind. The mind that was once at ease because it thought that everything was fine. The mind that controls everything, including the feelings in my heart. He's thinking of finishing his last semester back in South Dakota. He'll be close to her once again and farther away from me. What happens if she seems to have changed her ways and charms him back into her arms? What happens to me then? Will I just be swept under the rug like a meaningless dust bunny? What happens to all the love that I have for him and that he claims to return? Does he see her in me? Is that why he is with me? It reminds him of her? What happens when he goes back there and she is waiting for him? What happens to our love then?