A Better Woman � 04.13.03
I Feel

So just when I start getting my life straightened out and start writing again, I go and break my ankle. Yes, it's broken. How did this happen you ask? Well let's just say I got very very drunk at a fraternity house that I am not very familiar with and I forgot that there was a step somewhere and I missed it. Down I went and crack went my ankle. So, I am incapacitated right now. This was Thursday night. I went home Friday morning when I realized that I couldn't walk and I needed to go to the hospital. My parents cable modem was all jacked up so I couldn't get online all weekend. It was hell.

I've been talking to Alex for a few hours now. God does he make me want to be a better woman. I mean seriously.. I wish I were wholesome or something along those lines. He keeps insisting that I am a wonderful person but I find that hard to believe. I am a very vindictive person. I honestly don't see how I could ever get a guy like Alex to talk to me let alone be interested in me. It has nothing to do with physical attraction. I know that I am an attractive person. But it has everything to do with what is in my heart. I am a very compassionate person, yes, but I also anger very easily and I have a tendency to say some very mean things when I am angry. Most of them I don't even mean but there are those times when I do mean them. When I am mad I say things that cut through to the bone and at the time, I mean every word. I mean to hurt whoever it is. That is how I make my point. By the time I realize the damage I've done, I've already lost someone that I care about. I just wish that I could be a better woman. I want to be the type of woman that a man never forgets and never wants to let out of his life. I doubt I will ever become that person though. I find it hard to believe that anyone could truly love me. Oh hell I don't know. Did I mention that Alex is sending me a plane ticket to come and visit him over the summer in South Dakota? Who the hell goes to South Dakota for the summer? Well I am going to. So after I get back you can make fun of me for going to that barren state. Hopefully I will get a tan. I told him that I don't know if he really wants me to come out there with a cast on my leg and he said that it would be fine and that he would take care of me. Doesn't that just make you want to go "Awwwwwwwwwwe". Okay you can puke now because I am being mushy again.

Speaking of mushy, Tony left me two very sweet messages on my machine while I was at home with a broken ankle. He doesn't know that my ankle is broken yet. I will tell him eventually. But I was listening to my messages with my mother and brother in the room and my mother could tell by the look on my face who they were from. She laughed at me because I was smiling from ear to ear. I sent him an email telling him that it was all right with my mother if he came down for Easter and that we were devising a plan to introduce him to the family. It's all good. We have a pretty fool proof one, provided that he doesn't reveal his age. But I will get to that later because I have already spent entirely too long on this entry. I've been on the phone, doing homework, talking to Alex, and making a webpage all in the midst of writing this entry and now it's 1:30am. Oh how the time flies.