Following My Heart � 04.09.03
I Feel

Alex's band is really really good. I was talking to him last night and he sent me some of their songs and some of his acoustic stuff. I've been listening to them ever since and I am in love. I am a very critical person when it comes to music and Alex's voice took my breath away. Honestly. I had no clue that he could sing. He's been kind of down because his girl cheated on him. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better but I know from experience on the other side that no matter what anyone says to you, you are still going to hurt. It's just one of those things where you have to deal with it. Sure, talking helps, but the best thing to do is to get your mind off of it. So, I am talking to him as much as I can. I hope that talking to me helps him get his mind off of her. I hate feeling so helpless when it comes to situations like this.

I asked my Big for advice last night on what to do about Tony. She told me to forget about him completely. I couldn't believe that she was telling me that. She knows I would be miserable if I just cut him out of my life. Everyone knows that.. except for maybe Tony. He still has no idea just how frustrated he makes me sometimes. Near the end of our conversation she was basically telling me that I don't want Tony in my life and blah blah blah. She obviously has a distorted view of how I feel about him. She told me that I use him as a back up plan. That is entirely not the case. He still called me every morning when I was with Brian, whether or not Brian was there. I still talked to him all the time and I still told him I loved him. I still wanted to be with him. I was too upset with myself to admit it at the time, but I would have preferred to be with Tony. Brian was basically a decoy for my heart so I wasn't so depressed about not being able to be with Tony. I am starting to realize this now. I don't want anyone to think that I was using Brian because I wasn't. I sincerely did care about him and I really did like him. He just wasn't where my heart was. You can lie to your heart but you can't fool it. I've learned this now. When I was telling Vangie what my Big was telling me, she started giving me her own advice. She's been in this situation before. She ended up moving across the country for a semester to be with a guy. It didn't work out, and thankfully because if it had I wouldn't have ever met her, but she still learned something from it. She told me to do what my heart tells me to do. My heart tells me to move to New York. But my mind tells me to not leave my friends and family, and life for that matter. If I move there I would be giving up everything. If I stay here, I could be giving up the person who has my heart and won't give it back. The person who could give me a new "everything". Christin told me that I was too young to get married. I am well aware of this. If I move to New York Tony and I aren't going to run to the first church we find and get married. No, I would never ever do something like that. In a way it's kind of like Sweet Home Alabama, only I'm not already married, I already know the guy in New York, and I'm not from the south. What I am afraid of is that if I move up there, I won't ever come back. People have suggested that I transfer up there and come home on breaks. Well, that's a heck of a lot of driving to do. I just wish I could make a decision on this. I think that the next time I talk to Tony I am going to ask him what he thinks I should do. Or better yet, what he honestly wants me to do. If his heart is telling me to do what my heart is telling me to do, then I guess there is only one thing I can do. Does anyone know any good schools in New York that offer Political Science and Pre-Law?