Find it in My Heart � 04.08.03
I Feel

I would like to apologize for taking a very long hiatus from my diary. (Well it was only a little over two weeks but that is long for me!) I have hand written entries but they really aren't worth posting in here. Most of them are discussing how much I drank the night before. Yes, for the time that I was not writing in my diary, most of it was spent drinking. There were about two nights each week that I did not drink. That is not a good thing in my opinion. So I am just going to start writing again now because I finally have my head on straight.

Formal was absolutely awesome! Except for the fact that my date was an hour late and then was all over Megan all night but that is all right because it kept him from being all over me. My date was Mitch. While I enjoy being friends with Mitch, I don't want a relationship with him. The night before formal he told me in a drunken stupor that he loves me. Yeah, I really believe that. He's just so ... I don't know ... suffocating. Harry showed up at our after party. That made me happy. We danced all night. I didn't get home until 6:30am. I was drunk as hell but that's all right. Formal was just great.

My birthday was all right. I was depressed because I was away from my family and friends that I normally am with on my birthday. I went to the Greenhouse and my sisters had made me a cake and a big card. I almost cried. I went to Vangie's apartment afterwards and she had baked me a homemade chocolate chip cheesecake. I was thrilled. After that I went to Pi Lam to celebrate my birthday and the brothers kept giving me jello shots. I ended up going home around 3:30am, having an 8am the next day. I was not in a good mood on Thursday at all but it's all right.

It's now almost 1:30am. I started talking to Tony about half an hour after I started writing. I was also talking to Alex when I was writing so that is what took me half an hour to get that far. So I talked to Tony for a nice amount of time. He might come down for Easter weekend because he doesn't have class and he doesn't have to work. That entails him meeting my parents. That also entails him going to church with me, and him coming to Easter dinner with me. I am not quite sure how well that will go over. I am not getting my hopes up though because he is probably not going to come, but the thought of him coming kind of makes me nervous because he is going to meet all of my friends and family and well that just scares me to death. I just wish that things could be easier for me. The one that holds my heart lives 300 miles away. I cannot be with him unless I give up my life. But honestly, could I find it in my heart to live without him?