Butterflies & Needles � July 29, 2002
I Feel

It's storming here so this is going to have to be a very short entry. God I hate storms.

When I was at work today I got an interesting thought. Well, it wasn't the thought that was so interesting, but rather my personal reaction to it. I was walking down the health and beauty asile, going back to my register and I thought about what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with Adam. Now, don't ask me what the hell brought this thought on because I don't have the slightest clue. Honestly I don't know. It was just one of those random thoughts. Normally when I get thoughts like that, I shiver, get nauseous, or shudder. But this time, I got this warm fuzzy feeling. It shocked me and well it kind of made me feel good. Now, don't take this as if I am getting soft or anything because I'm not. I am definitely not. I just thought that it would be an interesting little tid bit to discuss in my diary.

So how do I feel about my reaction to the said thought? I kept thinking about it the whole night at random times, just to make sure the feeling wasn't a fluke, and sure enough, it wasn't. I kept getting the same reaction, only each time thereafter, it was accompanied by butterflies. This is rather intriguing to me, considering that after the Chris situation the thought of spending the rest of my life with anyone, other than my job of course, made me ill. I seriously was totally against marriage. And now I am getting warm fuzzy feelings and butterflies? What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe I am getting soft. Maybe I am going crazy. No. No, I am not crazy and I am certainly not getting soft. I just won't admit to that. I am sorry but I won't. Not going to happen. ::pushes those thoughts out of her head::

I am starting to think that maybe my mind is forcing me not to love Adam. Everyone thinks I do but me. Is it possible that my mind is so terrified to fall in love again that it simply won't let say it and mean it? That is a terrible game that my mind is playing with me if it's true. And frankly, I don't like it. Not one bit.

Tomorrow morning I get to have a fasting glucose test done to find out why I had the seizure back in June. Fun fun. I can't eat or drink anything except for water after midnight, which sucks my ass considering that I am hungry still. Oh well. At least I will find out what is wrong with me. Finally. But the thing is, I am terrified of needles. Seriously. I know that I have my tongue pierced and my ears and my navel, but I am absolutely, flat out, hands down, deathly terrified of needles. So this is going to suck. But, at least I get to see Adam tomorrow night. We are playing poker at Holly's house. Yet another attempt to get Holly and the other Adam together. I think it's working. That is so awesome. Adam and I are working hard here, but it's not every that easy to play matchmaker.