By The Way � 02.24.03
I Feel

Another Monday thankfully gone. I cannot wait for Spring Break to get here. I just need a rest. I really truly do. Stress is just overwhelming me right now and I am starting to pick at little things with Brian and me. I don't want to do that. That is what caused me to lose Adam and I am not repeating it. I also have to be careful of how manipulating I get. I have a tendency to pout a lot when things don't go how I want them to and I have a feeling that he is annoyed by it. At least I am aware of these problems and I know how to fix them. I just wish I had a solution to fix how I am so damn attached to him. I care about him a lot. Probably more than I should after three weeks but that is just how it is right now and there's nothing that I can do to control that. I am actually afraid of what he might think if he reads this. I really am. I am terrfied that he will get scared and run. I don't want that. That is why I am careful about just how much of my feelings I let out to him. I am afraid that he will think I am nuts. I just want him to care about me as much as I care about him. He's so quiet all the time though. It's really hard to tell what he's thinking and he doesn't tell me. He keeps a hand written journal and he won't tell me what's in it. I am afraid that something bad about me is in there and he just isn't telling me. He tells me that I need to stop worrying about him breaking up with me because he isn't going to do that anytime soon but it's just hard. He doesn't know very many details about Adam and me. He doesn't know how everything was just peachy with Adam and me, to my knowledge, and then he suddenly broke up with me. I don't want to lose another boyfriend like that. Especially one as wonderful as Brian. I don't know. Maybe all of my fears are just stupid worthless worries that have no validity what so ever but I can't help them. There is always going to be that trust issue in the back of my mind. Or at least for now. I just wish that there were a way for me to control those feelings of despair and fear. Perhaps I should seek therapy. That would be a wonderful thing to tell Adam.

"By the way, because of what you did to me, I am now in therapy because I can't create a healthy relationship with someone."

I am sure he would love that.