Changing Lanes � 10.02.02
I Feel

I am starting to scare myself. Apparently I have turned Adam into some sort of alcohol abuser. According to Swags and Holly, all he ever wants to do is drink. And that is proven to me in the fact that he leaves voicemails on my phone at all hours of the night, piss ass drunk, telling me he doesn't know where he is at and then the next minute he is home. This disturbs me to no end. I didn't want to ruin his life and yet I feel as if I have. This will make the third guy that has resorted to alcohol after dating me.. it's starting to become a trend. Am I that stressful of a girlfriend that after the relationship is over that the guy turns to alcohol? See why I am disturbed?

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. I've realized that I've been looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong places. I keep looking for happiness and it isn't going to just be served to me on a silver platter. I know this now.. I just can't seem to accept it. I don't want to change my life. I don't like change. I think that is apparent to everyone around me, except for me. And I know that makes no sense what so ever but I don't care. Right now I don't care. For a few hours tonight I was actually happy. I went over to Thayne's house and we watched a movie and drank wine like we used to. We used to do that.. before he moved.. after Chris broke up with me. And during that time, I was actually happy. I was. I used to go down to their [Thayne & Sean] house and watch movies and drink wine and just have fun. I miss those days. I was only there for a few hours and I still was more happy than I have been in the last month or so. It was just nice. I liked that feeling. Too bad he moved to Monroeville and I live in Indiana now and it just sucks. I am going to have to go over there more often when I am home. And yes, I am home right now. The reason I haven't written in a few days was that I had a bunch of things to do with my sorority and then I got mono. Yes, I got mono up at school. I am hopefully going back tomorrow because I want to work on the homecoming float with my sisters and I want to have fun this weekend. I just have to get myself caught back up in school. I will be fine though.

Thayne wants me to be in a local film with him. I am seriously considering it. It would be a good thing. I would get back into acting. The only thing is that I would have to give up my Friday and Sunday nights. If maybe I could get them to shoot Friday nights and Sunday afternoons.. that would be much better because I have classes on Monday in the morning and that could hurt.. very badly. I am not sure. I am going to wait until I hear from him again about it and then make my decision. This shall prove to be quite interesting.

Off on a tangent...

Many times in a person's life they are forced to change lanes. I've done that quite a few times and I don't think that it's gotten me very far. Not where I wanted to be at least. By now I wanted to be in a stable relationship and happy, instead of just jumping from guy to guy.. thinking that they care about me. I am a damn good liar (even though I refuse to lie in dealings with my personal life, but in order to be a good attorney you have to be a good liar) but I can't see a liar if they were standing right in front of me with a sign. Especially if it's a guy telling me that they care about me. I've realized that my complex with having a guy being close to me and caring about me springs from the fact that I was molested twice in my life by family members. Male family members. I realize now that I've always had this void when it comes to that respect and that is why true happiness for me would be a healthy, stable, loving relationship with a member of the opposite sex.. I didn't ever really have that with any of the male family members in my family.. but those are two different types of relationships. I also realized that because of the lack of that sort of relationship when I was a child that it has morphed into the need of having that kind of security now. How can I fix this? I am not quite sure. I haven't really thought about it enough to actually find an answer inside of myself, but I am sure that someday I will. I just have to give myself some time and perhaps change lanes a couple more times. I'm good at giving other people advice, but when it comes to my own life.... I'm a terrible driver.