Content � Apr. 22, 2002
I Feel

I think that I am finally becoming truly happy again. I just feel...

It's a nice feeling. It's just one of those things. I cannot wait to see Matt again.. to be in his arms again.. to hear his heartbeat against mine.. god I sound like a bad romance novel. But, that is okay. The summer is coming so I will hopefully get to see a lot of him. I hope. No, wait, I will get to see a lot of him. I am going to be optimistic here.

I was sitting at work today and I just thought of talking to him when I got home, and I couldn't stop smiling. Everytime something went wrong at work, I thought of him and I smiled. Soon, I just couldn't stop smiling. Everyone thought that I was nuts. I just smiled the whole night. It was nice. When I got to hear his voice tonight, I started smiling again. I like hearing his voice.

I hope that he cares about me as much as I care about him. It's strange.. I think that all of this time apart has made me feel closer to him somehow. I can't really explain it. I think that me not being very intimate with him has made me want to be more and more. This is the first time that I have been dating someone for almost a month and haven't really done anything physically with them. I am not sure how to take it. Don't get me wrong, I am not a slut or anything.. just a really physical person. And it's nothing to do with him. I am definitely attracted to him.

I just haven't really gotten that physical with him. I don't know. Maybe being single for four months changed me somehow. I would like to think that it's a change for the better. And it's not that I haven't really had the chance either, because I have.. I just haven't acted on it. I am not really one to make the first move and so I guess I will just wait for him to. I believe that what has gone wrong for me in the past is that I have moved so quickly with guys and I haven't done that with Matt and things are going just great. Or at least I think they are. I would like to think that they are well on the other end as well but I cannot really judge that because he does not open up to me that much.

Can I change that? Perhaps. Would I like to? Most definitely. I am a very open person and I hope that in the future, he trusts me enough to be open with me as well. I want him to realize that there is nothing that he has to hide from me. I don't judge people and I prefer blunt honesty over little white lies any day. That is just how I am. Maybe that is one of my faults. *shrugs* I have quite a few of those. But at least I can admit them. Well, most of them. But I must say that I am happy.

I really am.