Sweet and Depressing � Apr. 23, 2002
I Feel

I have the best boyfriend in the world. Well, the sweetest too. I just think he's the best, without much reason. He's the sweetest though. He sent me a text message from class today just because he wanted to say hi and then he called me a bit ago just to see how I was feeling because he knows that I am ill. That was very very sweet of him. So now that I am nice and awake, I decided to write for a bit and then hopefully start on my homework. I came home from school and slept all day. Go figure. That really killed me for time because I have a ton of crap that I have to get done. Oh well, you will have that sometimes.

I was very happy to hear Matt's voice today. It was just nice. It was a nice end to an easy day. Now the fun starts with the ton of homework that I have to get done. I have a huge Spanish test tomorrow that I have to do good on. I have decided not to completely give up on this class because she told me that I would fail if I did. I really don't want to fail for the year, so I am still going to put forth some effort. I don't know what good it will do though. I am clueless now in that class. I don't like being clueless. And she just stares at us all blankly when we don't know everything about the Spanish culture. Did it ever occur to her that some of us, no wait, all of us, don't care anymore. We are a class of Seniors who all have been accepted into college. We have 25 days of class left. None of us care. Not even the genuises. In fact, one day they were the one's who, when we had a substitute, told us that they weren't doing the work she assigned. It was pointless to care anymore. I almost choked. It was hilarious. But that means nothing to anyone but me so oh well. I have a terrible headache, which makes me want to crawl back into bed and just go to sleep. I know that I cannot do that though.

I found a letter that I wrote to Chris right before we broke up. It has something about my miscarriage in it. I am wondering if my parents read it because I found it in the computer room inside of one of my notebooks. I hope that they did not read it. That would be a terrible terrible thing. I don't think I could face them if they found out. I have kept it quiet for a long time now and I intend on doing just that for the rest of my life. They will never know about it if I can help it.

So, upon reading that letter, I became terribly depressed. I guess in a way, as much as I care about Matt, I still miss Chris. He was my one true love and I won't ever forget that. My heart won't let me, no matter how hard I have tried. I don't like being depressed. I really don't. It's just one of those things that scares me because when I am depressed, I can't control any other emotions or sometimes, even my actions. I don't want to get like that again. I don't want to be depressed. I want to have control over my life.

There are so many things that I am afraid to tell Matt about my past because I am terrified of what he will think. I don't want him to think that I am any different of a person because I am not. The things that have happened to me have not made me different, well some have, and I just don't want his opinion of me to change. I don't want him to treat me differently. Knowing some of the things that have happened, I don't want him to think that I need sympathy or pity or whatever. I just don't want those things. I don't need them. I gave myself enough of them already. So, my dillema is whether or not I should tell him everything about my past that has made me depressed. I wonder if he even knows that I am.. but you know, that happens sometimes.