Barbeque Meatloaf, Sperm-like Pulp, & Potheads, Oh My! � 01.07.03
I Feel

"Sweetheart?" I wondered how I was going to say this without offending him. "Would you ever force me to do anything sexual?" I cringed hearing those words come from my mouth.

"What?" I cringed again at his tone of voice. I had either annoyed him or angered him.

"Would you ever force me to do anything sexual?" I persisted. I knew that I shouldn't have brought this up.

"You mean physically force you?" He sounded as confused as I was after I had the dream.

"Y..yes." I could hear my voice shaking. Why didn't I just drop the damn dream when I had the chance? Why did I feel the intense urge to tell him about it?

"God no, Christina. That isn't my thing." I breathed a sigh of relief. "Why?" Damnit. I sparked his curiosity.

"No reason. I just had a disturbing dream last night and I just wanted to make sure." Drop it drop it drop it.

"Well what was it about?" Damnit.

"Oh it was nothing. It just bothered me a bit." Believe me damnit!

"Just a bit?" Crap. He still persisted. I couldn't lie to him. Hell I can't lie to anyone. Especially him.

"Okay it bothered me more than a bit. A lot actually."

"Well what happened?" I knew I had to tell him. I was knee deep in this can of worms that I had opened and there was no way to get out of it now. Now I questioned how to tell him without offending him.

"I ... I had a dream that you raped me." There. That wasn't so hard. Blunt and to the point.

"W..what?!" Shit. I pissed him off. I could tell that tone of voice. Shock.

"I don't think it meant anything. Christian and I analyzed it for over an hour and he thinks that it has something to do with power and that you have some sort of control over me that's hurting me but I don't think you are hurting me at all!" I have a tendency to ramble when I am upset. I wasn't upset with him. I was upset with myself.

"Okay. Well what happened in it?" Ladies and gentelmen he wants to know details!

"I don't want to get into details. I just want to forget about it." I bit my lower lip and fiddled around on my computer as I was talking to him.

"You aren't going to forget about it. It will always be in the back of your mind." I knew he was right. Damnit why does he always have to be right?!

"I just won't let it get to me. I just felt a need to tell you." I hoped he would drop it and we could have a normal conversation.

"Okay baby." Saved!

I didn't dare tell him about the him trying to kill me part. That was a whole different story that I didn't want to get into. So we continued our conversation on for about an hour and a half and that was that. He went to sleep and I worked on my novel. I finally went to bed around 7am and I slept until 3pm. I want to go to bed early tonight but I know that's not going to happen.

I absolutely hate my schedule for Spring semester.

Monday: French (9:15-10:15) Art History (10:30-11:30) Career Exploration (11:45-12:45) Psychology (2:15-3:15)

Tuesday: College Writing (8:00-9:30) French (10:15-11:15)

Wednesday: French (9:15-10:15) Art History (10:30-11:30) Career Exploration (11:45-12:45) Psychology (2:15-3:15)

Thursday: College Writing (8:00-9:30)

Friday: French (9:15-10:15) Art History (10:30-11:30) Psychology (2:15-3:15)

Tell me how bad my schedule sucks. I have to get up very early. Too early.

I am trying to figure out what the hell we ate for dinner. I know that part of it was maccaroni and cheese and meatloaf, I just can't figure out what it was exactly on the meatloaf. Honest to God I think it was Barbeque sauce. We had barbeque meatloaf for dinner. Why does my family have to be so damn disfunctional?

"Your brother doesn't know how to turn off the stove."

"And he made barbeque meatloaf Mom. What do you expect? He's a pothead."

Fucking potheads. They mess everything up. And I don't even consider myself a pothead. I am just a social smoker. I don't go through withdrawl like my brother does. It doesn't really mean that much to me anymore.

I went to Winterguard practice tonight to help them with their floor. The show looks really good for being a week before preview show. Ashleigh said that she's coming to visit on Friday because that is the only day that she doesn't work. So I hope I don't have other plans on Friday that I will have to cancel. This shall be interesting. I haven't actually hung out with Ashleigh in ages. I miss her terribly.

The pulp in my orange juice looks like giant sperm. I am so not kidding!

Giant sperm.

Who knew?

There's tons of it just floating around at the top of my glass. I knew I shouldn't have gotten orange juice with pulp in it. My mind makes everything perverted. I don't even try!