Deal With It � July 09, 2002
I Feel

You know, it's funny. I can plan all these little "speeches" to say to Chris, to slam everything in his face and lay all the cards on the table, but I can never get enough courage to actually say them to him. I guess I am just spineless when it comes to him. I say that I don't care what he thinks, but I really do. It's a terrible trait I posess.. vulnrability. And I hate that about me. I really do. I wish I didn't always open myself up to heartache but I do so I presume that I will just have to deal with it. God I hate myself sometimes..

So, to get off the subject of Chris, I am going to discuss the lust objects in my life right now.

First there's T.J. He's 16. Yes, I know I am a pedofile.. it's disgusting really but he is terribly hot, in my state he is legal, and did I mention that he is hot? He also acts like he is 20 and looks like it so it's not all that bad. He's really sweet, he seems genuinely interested in me, he calls me, makes plans with me, tries to come and see me.. it seems like he cares. He's a good kisser too so I guess that's always a plus.

Then there's Brandon. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Brandon is back in the picture as of today. Why? Because I say so. He came back from vacation today and damn did he look hot. He's all tan and what not. And he started flirting with me the minute I arrived at work. I think I am going to give him a call to let him know that I am interested in him again. I will definitely have to wait until my period is over though because if I go out with him, I will definitely want to sleep with him. God is he hot. He's also 19 for those of you who don't know who I am talking about.

So, I guess you are wondering when I became okay with the thought of casual sex. Since I haven't gotten any since Thanksgiving damnit!!! And I don't see any harm in it. The guys I am around know that I am not a slut and that I have standards. If they fit them well then good for them! Because my standards are higher than hell. If I am not attracted to you in the slightest bit, well then too bad. I won't give you the time of day. Superficial and terrible, yes, but that is just who I am. I have tried to change that trait about me but I have failed miserably. And I have even forced myself to date some pretty ugly guys just so I could prove myself wrong on the superficial front but well.. I just can't do it. I can't. Attractions don't just grow in time... the more time I spend with someone I am not attracted to, the more and more terrible thoughts I get about them. I start nit picking and sooner or later I drive myself insane. So that is just me. Deal with it.