Kicking & Screaming � July 16, 2002
I Feel

I set down the phone and sighed, staring into the mirror. Why do I continually do this to myself? I sighed again. I already knew the answer to that question before it was asked. It wasn't a matter of whether or not he cared, or even if he minded being still friends with me. It was about hearing his voice, laughing at his jokes, listening to him breathe into the phone when he concentrated, hearing him laugh at my jokes... It wasn't to depress myself or to make him mad. It wasn't to try to spark another fire from those cooling embers that are dwindling to ashes. It was because it is him.

I talked to Chris for about an hour this morning. I am not even sure why I called him, nor do I care if I am ever sure why I get these urges to call him up. I guess in some strange way, I feel that if I don't check up on him every so often, that he will just disappear from my life and I can't take that. I just can't. I don't want to and I won't. I honestly have lost all hope, even that little sliver that I still had, of he and I ever getting back together. Fairytales don't exist. Not in my world at least. And as far as I am concerned, they don't exist in anyone's world. Especially when Chris and I are concerned. So why did I consider that worthy of being written about and reflected on? Because I have been thinking about it ever since I hung up the phone.

When I first went to call him in the first place, I had a terrible feeling in my stomach and my hands were trembling. Why? Oh hell I don't know. But I maintained my composure as always and spoke sweetly and brightly into the phone, telling him good morning. I think that he was surprised to hear from me considering it's been about a month since I've last called. I just figured that I should call and see how his life was going. I mean we still are friends aren't we? Trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex that you still love deep inside of you is no easy task but I don't care. I am willing to deal with the pain because Chris is one of my dearest friends and I am not about to lose him over something as petty as he and I breaking up. That would just be stupid. We were friends before we went out, we should be friends now. Right? I wish I could assure myself more and be as confidant as I sound, but really I am not. I guess that deep down, I am still that scared little girl and I always will be.

I am looking forward to school starting. I am looking forward to change. New people, new surroundings, new life. Of course I plan on staying friends with Chris through all of that. I couldn't imagine giving him up that easily. No. I simply refuse. That is my resolve. I simply will not give him up as a friend. Not, at least, without kicking and screaming the whole way.