1-800-NEED-LUV � July 08, 2002
I Feel

I really hate how my entries are few and far between. I mean, I really do want to write more, I just can't ever find the time. It's not that I no longer rely on my diary to keep me sane, because I do.. it's just that even when I am going nuts, I am terribly busy.

I heard a song today that made me realize something about Chris. One of the lyrics was "Sometimes, love just ain't enough." That made me realize that no matter how much I loved Chris, if he wasn't willing to work at it, even if he did love me, that it wouldn't work. I guess that I can't really fault him. He always did take the easy way out. It's just his nature. He and I were two totally different people in that respect. I was always the worker bee of the two of us. I am willing to work for something I want.. he, on the other hand, only likes things that are handed to him on a silver platter. I just wish that sometimes, he would feel the lonliness and pain that I feel every day. Then maybe he could understand where I am coming from.

It is sort of depressing, how I always seem fixated on Chris. I am not really fixated, but it's hard to get over the love of your life. Especially when he walks out of your life twice. It's not as easy as people make it look, and maybe I am just not that strong. This layout was supposed to be dedicated to him. To show him that he doesn't have a hold on my heart still. Well, he can see right through that facade and that is what makes me ill. I just wish that I could take control of my life again and be happy with someone. But, life is never that easy. I presume that it is going to take a lot of trust in me for me to get back out there and actually create a relationship with someone that works.. instead of failing miserably like mine and Matt's did. ::sigh:: I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't find anyone out there who won't hurt me. If you know of someone have them give me a call. 1-800-NEED-LUV. Maybe this will help me some...