Don't Even Bother � 01.05.03
I Feel

I just retook the personality test that I took back in 2001. The results were still somewhat disturbing. I would love to know what the hell is wrong with me that I am so fucked up. I mean seriously! Yes, I was traumatized at an early age and I've been through a lot of crap but do I honestly need that much help? I've got problems. At least I can admit that. I know I have problems. I just don't know how to solve them. Or at least how to not let them interfere with my life. Tarah and Jada told me the other night that I really needed to get some help. That was after I broke down in the car on the way to get milkshakes. I hate this. I really do. I used to never cry. Crying is a weakness in my eyes and I hate being weak.

I absolutely hate it.

Yet I see myself showing more and more weakness every day. I need to find a way to get a hold of myself and get my life back in order. I don't even know if I have enough faith in myself to actually make some changes. That's how low my self esteem is. I am told that I don't really have a reason to be so depressed all the time. I guess to some people I have the perfect life. The pretty sorority girl, with perfect grades, tons of friends, lots of guys interested in her, a family that loves her, direction, potential, a goal in life.. but I don't see all of that as pluses in my life. I wish I could. I have every reason to be happy. I'm just not. It drives me insane how there are so many people out there who think that I am happy with my life. There are actually people out there who think that I am conceited.

Come on now.

If you can't see the bright red, huge neon, flashing warning signs floating all around me, you are seriously blind. It's a facade and I can't let anyone in. I can't let anyone past the emotional wall that I have put up.

I'm never happy.

If you can't accept that then you shouldn't even bother with me.