Different Now � 03.01.03
I Feel

Nothing really remotely interesting happened yesterday when I came home. I guess I did all right on my Psychology test. I didn't think I did that well on the last one I took and I only missed three so maybe this one will be like that. Oh well shit happens like that.

Joe and Kim came with my brother and mother to get me from school. Joe acted like a small child the whole way home and it would have driven me to insanity if it weren't for the fact that they got me stoned and I haven't had drugs in my system for about seven weeks. I spent the evening watching television because I was too tired to actually go out and do something. I am going out with Holly tonight. I realized now that I have to get up fairly early for church in the morning but that is all right. I can still stay out for a while. I slept all day today so I don't imagine that I am going to be sleepy until late tonight.

I have determined that I miss Brian. I haven't seen him in two days and I already miss him. I hope he misses me. I really do. It will be a bad sign if he doesn't miss me. Yes, that would be a really bad sign. I wouldn't want that at all. I don't know how I am going to survive this week without seeing or talking to him. It's going to be hell. But somehow I will deal. I always manage to. I am being kept busy though. I am going to see Lord of the Rings Two Towers tomorrow with my family and my mother and I are going to see Chicago on Tuesday night. I have no clue what Holly and I are doing tonight. We never have a clue. But that is what makes it fun and spontaneous. I am sure we will figure out something to do.

It recently hit me that yes, I actually am in college. I also realized that I am the only one of my close friends who actually went away to school and don't live at their houses. My friends complain that I never come home and what they don't realize is how different my life is now. I don't live here anymore. I live in Indiana. It is my home. I do my own laundry, I pay my own bills, I get food myself, I have to manage my own schedule. I don't have someone to wake me up if my alarm doesn't go off. I don't have someone to ask me if my homework is done (yes some of my friends parents still do that even though they are in college, but those friends will remain nameless). My life is completely different from what it used to be but I like it. I like being on my own, relying on myself. I like not having someone ask me where I am going constantly. I like not having to worry about if my parents will catch me walking in drunk (which they never really cared about anyway). I am a different person from what I was in August when I left and they don't understand that. I have other things that I like to do other than get messed up all the time. I don't like people that annoy me. Anyone that is still in high school (except for Ashleigh) annoys the living hell out of me. I just can't stand the immaturity. I don't live around people that are in high school on a daily basis. In fact it's very rare that I come across someone that is in high school where I live. My friends just don't understand how different my life is. Half of them don't know about my boyfriend yet. In fact I honestly believe that only two of them are aware that Brian exists. Except for maybe Adam if he actually still reads this. I am sure he does from time to time, but not as often as he used to. And that doesn't bother me either. I've moved on from all of that. I am a different person. A better person I think. I've learned what to do and not to do in a relationship. I've realized my mistakes and I am making a conscious effort to not make them again. I'm different now.