Failure � August 31, 2002
I Feel

My entire mood darkend after I handed the phone back to Swags. It was Adam. I am not getting to see him tonight. This does not make me happy at all. I am only home for a few days and it would be nice to see my boyfriend for more than two hours. Yes, I did go to Living Treasures with him today. Holly enjoyed her surprise. I even bought Adam a stuffed wolf and he didn't even kiss me! I bought it to make him smile. It didn't work. I had to say something to him before he kissed me. It took him two and a half hours and it never takes him that long. And to make things worse he hardly even holds my hand anymore. He used to always hold my hand. So needless to say I am pretty depressed. In fact, I am miserable. I've had a migraine for three days and today I developed a fever. I can't think and I can't sleep. I've cried myself into a somewhat sleepy trance for the past three nights and I can see myself doing that again tonight. I don't feel like a girlfriend anymore. I don't know what to do. He won't even really talk to me and that is what hurts the most. I guess my fairytale has come to an end. But, I guess I knew deep down that it would. Nothing that perfect lasts forever. I am just not that lucky.

I wish I knew what I could do to fix this. I want things to be normal. I want him to hold me and tell me that it is going to be okay. I want things to be okay. I want him to just hold me for hours. But I know that isn't going to happen. Not anymore. It just doesn't feel like he loves me as much as he used to. I am scared. I don't want to lose him but I feel like it's already too late. I've failed him as a girlfriend. I'm always a failure.