Stuck � August 30, 2002
I Feel

I have calmed down considerably. Last night I had a mental breakdown. Things in my life are very stressed and Adam and I are balancing on a very thin wire right now. And according to him, it is my fault. We attempted to talk like adults last night but my mind wasn't letting me hear a word he said. I couldn't even control my own thoughts last night and that is what scared me to death. I was afraid of myself, I was afraid of life, I was afraid of everything. I layed in my bed and trembled for hours because of the thoughts that were going through my head. I honestly believe that I have a ton of problems. More than I think I can handle right now. I am not really sure what I should do. I mean, I don't want to seek professional help. That is just scary to me. But I also don't want to sit here and be afraid of myself constantly. I am not nearly as bad as I used to be, but I don't want to be like that at all! I just want to be normal.

After my fight with Adam a car almost ran me down and I didn't move. I kept walking. No increase of speed, no panic. My only thought was "Let it hit me." That thought disturbs me to no end. It came out of no where and I am not sure what I should think about it. I mean, we should be able to control our own damn thoughts and I can't even do that! So how then, can I be able to make a relationship work!? I can't and that is where the problem lies. I want to stay with Adam. I really do. I love him. He just frustrates me sometimes. And I don't want to break up with him. I was so afraid that he was going to break up with me last night. I was absolutely terrified. I mean, I shouldn't feel like that and I was. I am seriously beginning to think that my problems are out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. I am stuck and frankly, it sucks.