My True Emotions � September 01, 2002
I Feel

To you, who has stolen my heart -

Well, I don't know what to say or even where to begin. My world has come crashing down once again. You told me that you didn't know if you wanted a girlfriend and that you needed time. I knew this would happen. I knew that we had rushed into things much too fast and I was afraid. But you seemed so happy. I could not tell you that I was afraid. I am not afraid of that anymore though. But I am still afraid. I am afraid of losing you as my boyfriend and I am afraid of losing what we have.

You told me that you were afraid of me. Afraid of talking to me and afraid of holding my hand. Afraid of kissing me. You said you were afraid to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. I wanted so desperately to make you understand that you weren't doing anything wrong. I have a habit of taking my aggressions out on the people who don't even deserve it. And for that, I am sorry. I didn't want to make you hurt. I didn't want to make you cry. And I didn't want to make you afraid of me. I didn't want any of this and that is what I am left with. I always seem to do this. I always seem to mess my life up some how. You were perfect to me. I had everything to be thankful for, and well I wasn't as grateful as I should have been. But I have learned from that mistake. I want to be thankful for every day that I have. But I was honest with you when I said that if you were to break up with me and I were to die the next day, I would not be dying happy. I meant that. I am not sure what kind of impact that it had on you and I hope that you do not take it the wrong way.

I can be strong if I have to, but I don't want it to come down to that. I want to start things over. We were both right. We did rush into things. To be honest with you, I didn't want to sleep with you. I was afraid to. I did it because I thought that it was what you wanted. I found out earlier this evening that it wasn't what you wanted. I am not sure why you did it then, but we did and we cannot take it back. But we can start over. I know that in my heart. I am just waiting for you to see that as well.

You said you needed time and that is what I am giving you. I am not going to call. I am not going to stop by. I am not going to instant message you if you are online. I am giving you space. I am giving you time. I hope this is what you need to realize what you mean to me. I hope and pray in my heart that I mean the same thing to you. I want you to miss me. I want you to love me. But I cannot control that. Only you can.

Whatever you decide, please do not forget me. I have already told you that if you do decide that you want to be single that I cannot be friends with you. The pain that would entail is too great for me to handle. I also do not give second chances. I have done that before and it has only backfired on me. I have learned from my mistakes and I will not make them again. I love you Adam. Please know in your heart that I always will.