My Dear Grandmother... � Feb. 17, 2002
I Feel

I will not be around for the next few days. My grandmother had a massive heart attack this morning and is lying brain dead in the hospital. There is absolutely nothing that I can do. She didn't even know that I was there this afternoon. How exactly did I get to the hospital after my brother woke me up (I was taking a nap after work, after my mother told me she had a heart attack, but she told me she was okay) at 4:45 and told me that my father had left for the hospital (my mother was already there) and that my grandmother had no brain activity? Minimal directions, two very loyal friends, and a lot of speeding. We got lost in the ghetto. A straight up ghetto. If anyone lives near Pittsburgh, we got lost in Homewood. Definately not the place that three little white girls want to get lost in. I am not racist in the slightest, but this place is straight up scary.. even in the daytime. Well, we got to the hospital and I saw my grandmother. She was lying there, hooked up to a ton of machines and she was just gone. She is on life support right now and I know that she doesn't want to be because she told all of us that all of our lives. They are making a decision in the morning. I know that they are going to take her off of it. I honestly don't know what to do. I love her so much and I wish that there were some way that I could tell her that, but I cannot. She is already gone and I have already let the oppertunity slip away. Why couldn't I have been a better grandchild?????? Why didn't I call more often? Why didn't I stop by more often? Why was I so selfish with my time? And now she is gone and there is nothing I can do about it. I am her only grand-daughter. She is not going to see me turn 18, she is not going to see me graduate, she is not going to see me go to college. I am the only one (other than my father now) on that side of the family that will have ever gone to college and she was so proud of me. Now she isn't even going to get to see it. Why is life so unfair? She isn't going to get to see me get married. She never got to have any great-grandchildren. She isn't going to see my children, and she isn't going to be at my graduation party. It was supposed to be at her house. Now.. I don't even know. I just feel so lost right now. I am going to go before I start to cry again. I am already holding back the tears.. I wish I were stronger...