Have Faith � 06.01.03
I Feel

So, things just can't seem to start getting better. First off, Alex's family is moving to Alabama. Very very soon. The movers are already at their house. Now this isn't such a bad thing because Alabama is a lot closer than Texas but he doesn't need that stress right now. When I came back to my computer today after going to the store with my mother he told me that it was really important that he and I talk. I got a very bad feeling in my stomach. He told me that he's going back into the hospital tomorrow and he isn't going to be returning home until after his surgery, which could be weeks because they don't know how well the surgery is going to go. Can I withstand weeks without talking to my boyfriend? I sure hope I can. I also hope that they don't sedate him. I know that he doesn't want to be sedated and I don't like the idea of him losing so many days of his life. He loves life, he should be allowed to be awake for it. He promised me that he is going to write me everyday, but we'll see how that goes. If he's that drugged up, chances are he's going to forget to write me. But, I won't be upset. I only want him to write me because I would like to know how he is doing since I'm not going to be able to talk to him until God knows when. Of course I am going to write him too, I promised him that. Although after a while I started to get scared with our conversation. He just wasn't making any sense at all. Apparently, they increased his morphine levels yet again and he was delerious as all hell. He was seeing ghosts again. To be perfectly honest, I am absolutely terrified right now. My boyfriend is undergoing brain surgery in four days. Four freaking days. I am supposed to be there and I'm not because he hasn't been coherent enough to get a plane ticket. I just want to be by his side. But, in a sense, I am afraid to go down there right now because I know if he knows I am in Texas, he will want to come home to spend time with me instead of staying in the hospital and right now he just needs to stay in the hospital. Why do I have to have complicated boyfriends? He's not complicated because of this whole surgery thing, he's just complicated because he's as stubborn as me. I've never met my match in stubborness until now. But, what can I say? I love him with all my heart. I can't deny that now. I feel it more and more every day. I can't imagine being so lucky. I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I am truly the luckiest woman in the world. Alex is just so wonderful to me. It just pains my heart that I can't be with him every moment of the day. But, I promised him I would be as strong as I have to be and by the looks of it, it seems like I have to be pretty strong to get through this. But, he and I are going to get through it. I know we are. We are going to be just fine. We are happy and we are going to stay happy. I have faith.